Not to be copied
without author�s permission
INSUFFICIENCY
(A play in 9 scenes)
By Carl Djerassi
Dedicated to Richard
Zare (
and
G�rard Liger-Belair (
Unsurpassed masters
of Beer and Champagne Bubbleology
CAST
In order of appearance
Prosecutor, could be entirely
as off-stage voice.
Jerzy
Krzyz, a Polish chemist�late thirties or early forties--who immigrated to
Leo Bramble (middle aged), chairman of the
chemistry department.
Stefania Nowak, (first generation Polish American)
secretary to the chair of the chemistry department, commonly called Steffy. She
is in her middle thirties.
Scene 1. A
courtroom, entirely black, except for spot light on defendant who is standing.
Prosecuting attorney�s voice may be entirely OS.
PROSECUTOR
Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. In spite of its apparent complexity� at least
so claimed by the defense� the state�s case can be summarized succinctly.
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) (Loud)
Hah!
PROSECUTOR
Your honor. May I request that the defendant be instructed to refrain from any
commentary until the prosecution concludes its summary.
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) My Hah was not a commentary.
PROSECUTOR So
what may I ask was it?
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) An
opinion.
PROSECUTOR I
see. In that case, may I rephrase my request to the court to prohibit
interruptions of any kind? (Dismissive
shrug by Defendant). And now to continue. Two men die within 21 minutes of
each other�s demise. Both are non smokers. Cholesterol levels below 180�
according to their last physical exams. No particular health problems. One 47
years old, the other 54. What are the statistical chances of two apparently
healthy, middle aged men dying from embolisms in the same room within just a
few minutes of each other? If you take the entire
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) (interrupts): Croix, your honor! I will
not have my name murdered.
PROSECUTOR (Dismissive) Kroy, Croix� whatever. Why is the doctor accused of double murder?
Because Dr. Kroy�
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) Croix! (Correct French pronunciation).
PROSECUTOR
Because Dr. Croix (Poor French
pronunciation) .is an expert on bubbles� first beer bubbles, but then
focusing on champagne. Bubble formation, bubble shape, speed and expansion� I
could go on with terms like turbothermodynamics, but I won�t�
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) Don�t
forget turbokinetics!
PROSECUTOR
Your honor! May I request once more�
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) But this
was no interruption! (Grins). I was
just trying to be helpful.
PROSECUTOR I
shall ask for help when I need it! (Beat).
As I already stated, the bottles of unlabeled champagne that killed Prof.
Aspinall and Prof. Sehlig were not empty� they were both nearly half full. But
unfortunately, the remaining liquid was not analyzed until three days after
their death and since the bottles sat there uncorked, their contents were totally
flat� so flat that it could not be called anymore champagne but only an innocuous
liquid containing less than 12% of alcohol, C2 H 5OH to
the chemist.
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) Bravo! (Beat, while raising hands in calming
fashion) Sorry, it was just meant in admiration of your chemical
sophistication.
PROSECUTOR In
other words, nothing remaining in that bottle could have killed two apparently
healthy men within two hours of having consumed some of its sparkling contents.
But something did kill them� something that was in that bottle when it was
freshly opened, but that had disappeared� poof into the air� two days later. I
need not explain to you, ladies and gentlemen, what had disappeared in that
interval, other than to remind you that Dr. Kroy was known to have called some
champagne bubbles �killer flowers.� I suggest that they be renamed �murder
flowers.� And now to Dr. Kroy�s motive�
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) Stop it! I am Jean
de la Croix� Jean (French pronunciation), not Jean (American pronunciation ), because I am not a woman. And de la Croix� not
Kroy. Croix� meaning cross in French. Like being nailed to a cross or bearing
one� both of which I have experienced in this pitifully non-collegial third
rate department� and survived! At least so far. But I will not be
crossed or double-crossed� and especially not by someone who keeps calling me
Kroy as if the last two letters of my simple five-letter name� which you have
now converted it into a four-letter abomination� were spelled as �oi.�
PROSECUTOR
Oi?
CROIX
(formerly Jerzy Krzyz) Yes O I�
as in Oi weh!
END OF SCENE 1
Scene 2 Office
of the Chemistry Department chairman, Leo Bramble, who is sitting at his desk.
Rather cluttered surface with computer, papers, books, etc indicating sloppy
disorganization. There is also a beaker (obviously from the laboratory) with
some wilted flowers. Jerzy Krzyz
aka Jean de la Croix rushes into the office
without knocking holding a ginger ale bottle in one hand and some large
photographs in the other.
LEO What
the hell?
JERZY I�ve
got to see you.
LEO Have
you never heard of knocking on a closed door?
JERZY
Listen�
LEO You
listen first. It�s a question of manners. Good manners. I�m sure people knock
on doors in
JERZY
Sorry, but this is fantastic.
LEO What is
fantastic?
JERZY I�ll
show you in a moment, but first let me start with this ginger ale.
����������� Puts
ginger ale bottle on the desk.
Do you have
a glass?
LEO No glass here. I�m so damn busy, I
don�t even have time to drink.
Jerzy looks around, sees the beaker
with some wilted flowers. He grabs them, throws them in the wastepaper basket
and rushes out, saying over his shoulder,
JERZY I�ll be back in a moment.
LEO throws up his hands or shakes his
head and then goes back to his work. A moment later, Jerzy rushes in with the
clean beaker and puts it on the desk.
JERZY Here� we need a clean container.
It�s absolutely crucial to what I want to show you. (Opens ginger ale bottle and pours it into the beaker, whereupon a
moderate amount of bubbles are noted. Take a sip� it�s ordinary ginger ale
with ordinary bubbles.
LEO I don�t want any. And will you now
please leave.
JERZY Not yet. (Takes a salt shaker out of his pocket, unscrews it and dumps a fair
amount of salt into the ginger ale whereupon there is vigorous, almost volcanic
bubbling, with liquid running over the top of the beaker on the desk and some
of the papers).
LEO (Jumps up) Are you nuts? Look at the mess you�re making! (Opens desk drawer and pulls out some Kleenex
with which he starts to wipe off the excess liquid, throwing the wet tissues
with some of the wet pages into the waste paper basket). Get out!
JERZY Sorry, I shouldn�t have filled
the beaker that much. (Reaches over to
grab some more tissues to help remove the remaining liquid). I just wanted
to make a point about how seeding promotes bubble formation.
�(Throws
some photos on the desk which should be projected on the background.)
What do you see here? (Pointing to first picture)
LEO (After inspecting them for a moment) Flowers?
JERZY Yes� flowers. But what kind?
LEO Damn it, Jerry�
JERZY Jean! Not Jerry! Please remember
that I changed my name to Jean de la Croix. No more Jerzy Krzyz, not even Jerry Krzyz.
LEO Jean� Jerry�! I am the chair of
the chemistry department� not the botany department. I am up to here (points to his nose) with departmental
crap. Just look at this (points at papers
on the desk). And you break in unannounced, flood my desk, and then expect
me to look at pictures of your flowers. Jerry� I mean Jean� get out!
JERZY Wait! These aren�t ordinary
flowers.
LEO Out!
JERZY They�re flowers that nobody has
ever seen.
LEO Out, I said.
JERZY Flowers I have taken with a
special high speed camera. Chemical flowers� not ordinary ones�
LEO What do you mean by chemical
flowers?
JERZY Of bubbles in a glass of
champagne. In the photo you see the bursting of the central bubble which
attracts some neighbors to produce these chemical flowers during less than 10
microseconds! And now look at this close-up where
I�ve caught the moment� when a hole is created out of the rupture of a bubble!
LEO (Almost desperate) I see the hole. But Jerry (points to his desk) I simply must�
JERZY Just one more.� What you see here
is how this tiny millimetric hole
collapses and ejects a tiny liquid jet above the surface. Leo! Nobody has ever
seen this and nobody will ever forget this when they next drink champagne. By
the way, I call them �killer flowers�� but more about that later.
LEO Killer flowers? Look, I�ll admit
it looks interesting, but I must�
JERZY Please, one more minute. Let me
start from the beginning. Any carbonated beverage�for instance champagne�is
only slightly supersaturated with carbon dioxide dissolved gas molecules.
Bubbles�what we see and taste�don�t just come out of nowhere. The carbon
dioxide molecules must first bunch together and push their way through the
liquid before they appear as bubbles. But you need nucleation to promote bubble
formation and I just showed that to you by pouring salt into ginger ale.
LEO You are wasting my time. Are you
telling me, you pour salt into champagne to get it to bubble?
JERZY No, I�m only telling you that in
champagne, it�s mostly microcellulose fibers on the walls of the glass.
LEO What fibers?
JERZY
Fibers held together on the wall by electrostatic forces caused by wiping a
champagne glass with a dish towel.
LEO (Guffaws) You mean only dirty glasses work?
JERZY It
depends on what you call �dirty.� I�m talking about microscopic dirt.
LEO And
pouring champagne into a really clean glass will produce no bubbles?
JERZY Right� unless you scratch the
smooth surface producing ragged spots. Bubbles will then start forming
immediately. Now one of the unsolved problems in bubble formation in a
carbonated beverage is the rate of bubbling. It is related to the much bigger
and hotter issue of complexity in chemical processes. I have been focusing on
fiber-initiated bubbling and (raises
voice in excitement) I have now shown this mathematically
(quickly writes the following equation, which
is projected on the rear wall and then speaks very rapidly so as to be
virtually incomprehensible)
where f is the frequency of bubble formation
from just one such fiber, T the time
required by the tiny gas pocket to grow�
LEO Stop!
JERZY Not
yet. I need to explain what zo
and zf �are--
LEO No you
don�t�you�ve already totally lost me. I�ve no idea what you�re talking about.
JERZY I
thought so.
LEO Smart
aleck. (Beat).
JERZY Is that all you have to say?
Bubbles aren�t just bubbles. Studying them has repercussions in math! (Beat). For instance: how do you pack
bubbles into a limited space? You figure that out and you�re immediately into
fractal nature. (Beat) Or in particle physics� all the way to
quantum foam.
LEO Listen,
either this is nonsense or I am just dense.
JERZY
Probably the latter. Take the physics of a dripping faucet.
LEO For
God�s sake! Just stick to the mechanics of it: turn it firmly, and it won�t
drip.
JERZY I am
not talking about how to stop faucets from dripping. I�m talking about how to
explain it� drip by drip. That�s not trivial.
LEO Says
who?
JERZY Lots of curious people, for
instance chemical engineers, who want to know when and how a stream of water
through a faucet changes to dripping bubbles or vice versa.
LEO Enough
about bubbles. I�ve got a department to run. If you want to talk about it, make
an appointment with Steffy.
JERZY Can
we then also talk about my tenure status? It�s related. That�s why I came.
LEO We can
talk about it, but I don�t know whether we can do anything about it.
END OF SCENE 2