(Not to be copied without authors’ permission)

PHALLACY

(A play)

By Carl Djerassi

Program Note

Some time ago, Professors Alfred Vendl and Bernhard Pichler of the University for Applied Arts in Vienna drew my attention to a superb life-sized bronze of a naked young man that for several centuries had been described as a Roman original. Recent modern chemical analysis in their laboratory revealed that it was a Renaissance cast. The overnight loss of approximately 1400 irreplaceable years had many consequences for the museum that for over a century had displayed the sculpture as a jewel of its Antiquities collection. Aesthetically speaking, does that revisionist attribution make the sculpture less valuable? Does pricking the balloon of financial inflation automatically also diminish the art historical merit of the sculpture or the viewer’s pleasure in its beauty? And what about the art historian’s personal and professional response when an unblemished favorite suddenly becomes irretrievably tainted?

For decades, I, a chemist-turned-playwright, have also been a serious art collector, who has been well aware of the disturbing fetishization of many art objects. But instead of addressing primarily the change in value as a well known art object is reattributed--a situation quite different when a work, say a presumed Vermeer painting, is found to be forged by Van Meegeren--I decided to focus on what effect such reattribution might have on the behavior of the principals involved in the dispute.

This dramatic lode has been mined before. Alan Bennett’s play and subsequent BBC TV film, “A Question of Attribution,” uses the question of a Titian painting’s authenticity to depict the relation between art historian (Sir Anthony Blunt) and owner (Queen Elizabeth II) as well as Blunt’s behavior as a notorious Communist spy. And Simon Gray’s more recent “The Old Masters”-though ostensibly covering the dispute whether a certain painting was created by Titian rather than Giorgione-really delves into the ethical and psychological conflict between art historian (Bernard Berenson) and art dealer (Lord Duveen). In other words, the principals and the art in those plays have a historical basis, which however has been altered to make a dramatic point.

And what is that point in my “Phallacy”? Here I concern myself with a conflict much closer to my professional competence: the quirks and idiosyncrasies of art historian and scientist, when they examine the age of an art object from their grossly different perspectives: aesthetic and art historical connoisseurship versus cold material analysis. In addition, I also wanted to explore the ramifications of a well known character fault that transcends the gulf been art scholar and scientist: falling in love with a favorite hypothesis and defending it against all comers and new evidence.

Like other playwrights working with factual material, I have modified, manipulated, disguised or even deliberately misused many historical nuggets by claiming the authorial freedom that any playwright rightly exercises. Thus I request that any resemblance to the actual principals associated with the ongoing saga of the putative Roman sculpture in the Antiquities collection of a famous European museum be largely ascribed to coincidence and that in no respect have I attempted to damage the reputation of a living scholar. And if the explanation in my play of what has happened to that original sculpture should in the future prove to be correct, it is not a reflection of my art historical acumen but purely a playwright’s dumb luck.

Aside from my interest as a scientist and art collector, there is a deeply personal reason why I chose this theme for my newest play. Born in Vienna, I emigrated after the Nazi Anschluss to the USA, where I became a research scientist. In 2004, the Austrian Government offered me Austrian citizenship. Since by that time, I had turned into a playwright, what better token of reconciliation than creation of a play that I situated in the city of my birth?

Carl Djerassi

London, Singapore, Eugene, and Hamburg, Oct. 2004 - Jan. 2005

Cast

DR. REGINA LEITNER-OPFERMANN, middle aged art historian and director of the Department of Antiquities in an important Austrian museum.

EMMA FINGER, assistant curator of the Renaissance Art Department, late twenties or early thirties.

DR. REX STOLZFUSS, middle aged Professor of Chemistry and head of the art conservation department of an unnamed technical institution in Austria.

DR. OTTO ELLENBOGEN, late twenties or early thirties, recent Ph.D. and assistant to Prof. Stolzfuss.

GERALDO LOPEZ, Spaniard of undetermined occupation (same actor as Otto Ellenbogen, but speaking with Spanish accent).

DON JUAN OF AUSTRIA (1547 - 1578), illegitimate son of Emperor Charles V and Hero of the Battle of Lepanto (25 years old).

BARBARA BLOMBERG, Don Juan’s mother (43 years old).

VOICE OF HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT (sitting in back row of the theatre).

TIME

The recent past in Vienna except for some scenes in Luxemburg in 1572 during Don Juan’s historically documented stop on his way from Spain to the Netherlands.

Scene 1. Present time. REGINA Leitner-Opfermann, director of the Antiquities Department of the Museum is evidently concluding a lecture to a group of high school students.

REGINA (With kind and animated voice): So, let me summarize the salient points of my lecture. I know your teachers expect you to take notes… and I have no doubt that they’re going to test you later. But there will be time to ask your questions on the tour of our Antiquities Galleries. For now… please, put away your pens and pencils. And use your eyes, your hearts, your souls.... Absorb the beauty of this, the most important piece of our Antiquities Galleries: a Roman sculpture from the second century. Discovered right here in Austria.

(Flash up image of a bronze sculpture of a naked young man on the screen.)

I’m sure your chemistry teacher has told you that bronze is a metal alloy made by melting copper and tin in varying proportions. You may even have been told that bronze melts readily and is easily molded. And that it does not rust, is durable, and takes a fine smooth finish. You may even have been told about the additional presence of trace metals, but frankly who cares? It’s all a bit dull if you don’t learn to what fantastically beautiful use this material can be put. You won’t learn that in chemistry!

Bronze casting is at least 6,000 years old. The earliest bronze works were solid. It would be 2,000 years before artisans were able to cast hollow interiors, which opened the door to creating larger works like this beautiful young man, here. In the sixth century B.C. the Greeks brought bronze casting to a level of perfection never before achieved.

Tragically, during the Middle Ages, the acute shortage of metal needed for weaponry led to the majority of Greek bronze statues being melted down. The ones you can see in museums are mostly survivors that had been lost at sea or that had been buried for safe-keeping… and accidentally retrieved centuries later… a fact that is crucial to what you’ll see shortly on our tour.

And finally, the Romans. Their artistic education began during their conquests of the Greek cities and the plunder of thousands of the greatest Greek sculptures. The desire to collect and hoard was apparently insatiable among the wealthy Romans, and after the supply of originals was exhausted, copies were created. Hence, even if most valuable originals were irreparably lost, their images have been preserved in Roman copies.

This young man is one of the most beautiful and best preserved Roman bronzes that was uncovered 500 years ago… not in Italy… but in our own country. And now… let’s go and visit this crown jewel of our Antiquities Collection.

REGINA is interrupted by a voice coming from the theatre.

TEENAGE VOICE (from audience): Frau Director. A question.

REGINA (Faintly annoyed): I’ll answer questions during the tour. (Beat). All right. One question.

TEENAGE VOICE (from audience): If this sculpture is just a copy of a Greek original—

REGINA (Sharply interrupts): We do not know whether it is what you call just a copy… we believe that it is actually a Roman original of around 200 AD influenced by the Greek aesthetics of the Polyclitus school

VOICE (Same teenager from audience): But how can you tell whether it is a Roman original?

REGINA (Turning defensive): Young man, I have written an entire book on the subject. You should read it. (She’s about to leave and then has another thought). Suppose he were just a copy. What then? My figure has not lost an iota of its ravishing beauty. If it were a Roman cast of a Greek original, it would then be a clone of the original… and hence as beautiful. You know, most modern sculptors authorize several bronze casts. The art market considers them contemporary clones and therefore equally valuable. So what’s the difference with our ravishing figure here?

VOICE (Same teenager from audience): But a Roman copy of a Greek original is not contemporary—

REGINA (Now truly annoyed): That’s enough, thank you! We’re late for the tour. If you still have some questions, come see me in my office.

(Steps off podium. EMMA intercepts her.)

EMMA: Frau Director Leitner—

REGINA: Leitner- Opfermann.

EMMA: Sorry.

REGINA: Well?

EMMA: I’m Emma Finger… Renaissance department…. We’ve met a few times before—

REGINA: Yes.

EMMA: Yes. I just wanted to introduce myself… since we’ll be working together.

REGINA (Surprised): Oh? On what?

EMMA: You haven’t read the report?

REGINA: What report?

EMMA: Professor Stolzfuss—

REGINA: I hardly know him. What’s this all about?

EMMA: I’m sorry, I thought the Museum Director had informed you of the situation.

REGINA: Well, he hasn’t, and neither has anyone else. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to lead a tour.

Scene 2. A few days later. Regina’s office.

REX: You don’t have much use for chemistry, do you?

REGINA (Disingenuously): Professor Stolzfuss! Now what makes you say that?

REX: My son told me about your lecture.

REGINA: Your son was there?

REX: According to him, you thought trace metals in bronze were a bit of a bore.

REGINA: Is that what I said? Frankly, my lecture dealt with the history and beauty of antique bronzes… not chemistry. I barely mentioned your field.

REX: It registered with my son.

REGINA: I suppose it would with the son of a chemistry professor. (Beat). There was a boy who kept asking questions.

REX: That would be him.

REGINA: You put him up to it?

REX: No, no…

REGINA: Are you quite sure?

REX: I told him about our work on your sculpture, and he—

REGINA (Starting to get angry): You did what?

REX: I told him about the results of our work.

REGINA: I see. And you think that was appropriate? Telling your son about results that we’re only discussing now?

REX: It’s not a state secret. Your museum director had asked me to take a look at your sculpture-

REGINA: “Take a look?”

REX: Yes. We developed some new chemical methods. We got some top-notch new equipment. What’s wrong with the museum commissioning a new approach to confirm the putative age of a sculpture-?

REGINA (Wounded): Putative?

REX: It’s not an insult. More often than not, age is considered putative until it’s confirmed… even the age of a person. Take my son. In another couple of years, he’ll have to produce a driver’s license in order to buy a drink.

REGINA (Sarcastic): And our museum director came to you for the driver’s license of this bronze?

REX (Enjoying the direction of the conversation): Just a parking permit. Doubts have been expressed whether it truly belongs in the Antiquities galleries.

REGINA: Are you aware of the evidence I have amassed over years of research? Summarized in a scholarly book that has already been reprinted?

REX: By your museum bookshop.

REGINA: You’ve read the book?

REX: I always read evidence before questioning it.

REGINA: Are you suggesting I don’t?

REX: It is not meant personally. A scientist’s business is to question all evidence and then to confirm or refute it through independent means.

REGINA: You read my book from beginning to end?

REX: Eventually. But I started at the end.

REGINA: You mean the last chapter?

REX: The index.

REGINA: The index?

REX: Yes, the index. And looked for the words “trace analysis” and “nickel.” Now of course, their absence is clearer since according to my son you find them dull.

REGINA: Why did you start with those words?

REX: Because Roman bronze has a very low Nickel content.

REGINA (Sarcastically): I am delighted to hear that.

REX: I wouldn’t be if I were you.

REGINA: Why not?

REX: Your sculpture contains a lot of nickel. Rather typical of Renaissance bronze. (Beat).

REGINA: Say that again.

REX: The nickel content of the sculpture is typical of Renaissance—

REGINA (Interrupting): And you told this to our Museum Director?

REX: Of course.

REGINA: Instead of coming to me?

REX: But… he was the one who requested we examine your sculpture. Anyway, what matters here is the nickel content.

REGINA: You’re saying that our sculpture could not be of Roman origin? That all Roman bronzes, without exception, had low nickel content?

REX: I didn’t say without exception—

REGINA: You see?

REX: I’m saying it’s extremely unlikely. And that’s why I’m here. As a courtesy call. To tell you… before informing anyone else… what additional chemical tests we carried out to prove our assumption-

REGINA (Pouncing on this): Assumption!

REX: Yes.

REGINA: So, you’re just making an assumption?

REX: Well, no, because we carried out further tests—

REGINA: Nonetheless, these tests were all based on your assumption. You assumed that the sculpture is a Renaissance work. That all the evidence in my book… all 345 pages… is hogwash.

REX: Well… hogwash, no… I wouldn’t say that, not exactly hogwash—

REGINA: You see, this is what I find so I infuriating. You slavishly follow the rules of chemistry you learned as a student… lessons you now teach to your students… who will then teach it to their students, it’s sterile crap—

REX (Outraged): Crap?

REGINA (Ignores interruption): I said “sterile” crap… consisting of rules promoted by art-hating boors, shielded from any sense of beauty by a dense fog spread from ear to ear. You disembowel every vestige of aesthetics… you ignore style, form, patina… in fact all connotative accompaniments. (Deep breath). You remind me of … an overzealous mouse trying to act like a rat.

REX: Excuse me?

REGINA: Someone really ought to prick that balloon of self-righteous… pompous… simplistic arrogance of yours. No, not simplistic…cocksure. Transforming the wine of aesthetics into vinegar! How typical of you chemists. When chemists dabble with art, the best that can be said is the results are unpredictable.

REX: Unpredictability is what science is all about…

REGINA: Is it really? Then why doesn’t that teach you humility… rather than arrogance? And why not recognize the importance of visual beauty… a concept that barely exists in your chemical world.

REX: For this discussion, the beauty of the sculpture is not important. Even the sculpture is not important—

REGINA: So what is?

REX: Truth.

REGINA: That’s all?

REX: That’s all.

REGINA: How pathetic. And if the beauty of this sculpture is not important, what about art?

REX: Define Art.

REGINA: An image from the mirror of life.

REX (Derisive): Good God!

REGINA: All right then. How about Art being everything other than what you see in the mirror?

REX: Better! But how necessary is that?

REGINA: Art is never necessary. It just happens to be indispensable.

Scene 3. Emma’s office.

EMMA: She was still steaming when she told me about her meeting.

OTTO: She really described him as an overzealous mouse?

EMMA: What are you getting so worked up about?

OTTO: She meant all chemists, which includes me. If you’re going to side with your boss, what are you doing hanging out with the enemy?

EMMA: She’s not my boss. I am a curator in the Renaissance department. I was lent to her by the big boss… the museum director… to help her get out of this mess. Because a mess in the Antiquities department is a mess for the museum… especially when dealing with such an important work. Besides, I’m not hanging out with you… I’ve barely started hanging out.

OTTO: It must be chemistry.

EMMA (Teasing): The authority speaking.

OTTO: You know… I think I’m in love with you.

EMMA: Nice change of topic. You never told me that before.

OTTO: Not in so many words.

EMMA: But you’re quoting.

OTTO: What do you mean?

EMMA: It’s a quote… it’s been said millions of times.

OTTO: But that’s true of everything said between lovers.

EMMA: Listen. There’s still a way to go on that lover front.

OTTO: Well… what would you say if you loved someone?

EMMA: You want to hear it now?

OTTO: Of course.

EMMA (Reflective): If I really loved him? (Pause). I might say: “Is there a way to keep my soul from touching yours?”

OTTO (Startled and pleased): Wow! Did you just think of that?

EMMA (Softer). “But everything that touches me and you/draws us together, making one from two,/as one bow gives two strings a single tongue.“

OTTO: My God!

EMMA: “Upon what instrument are we two spanned? And what musician holds us in his hand?”

OTTO: You couldn’t have thought of that just now.

EMMA: I didn’t… I remembered it. Because I’m wondering whether one single voice can be teased out of two such different strings as yours and mine?

OTTO: Who wrote that?

EMMA: Rainer Maria Rilke.

OTTO: So you were quoting as well.

EMMA: Yes… but that wasn’t said millions of times before.

OTTO: Frau Opfermann has turned you against me.

EMMA: She doesn’t know about you. (Beat). And her name is Leitner-Opfermann. Opfermann was the name of her former husband.

OTTO (Dismissive and mocking): “Leitner-Opfermann!” I can’t stand those hyphenated names. They reek of compromise.

EMMA: She won’t drop it because she made the mistake of publishing her book under that name. A book whose basic premise your hapless professor is now questioning. She expects to be called Frau Director Leitner-Opfermann. How long have you been in Vienna?

OTTO: Long enough.

EMMA: Clearly not long enough to understand that titles still count for something here.

OTTO: Not with everyone. I call my boss “Rex.”

EMMA: Not “Professor?”

OTTO: I’d barely started working in his lab when one day he said, “Just call me Rex.” He laughed, but I knew what he meant. A king doesn’t need another title.

EMMA: I hate to think what would happen if I called her by her first name.

Scene 4. Regina’s office. Continuing where we left off with Rex and Regina.

REGINA: What do you think of Klee?

REX: I’m into bronze… not clay.

REGINA: Paul Klee.

REX: I see.

REGINA (Dismissive): So you have heard of him?

REX: I don’t have to put up with this.

REGINA: Well… how do you like Klee?

REX: Is this relevant?

REGINA: Indeed. Because here’s what Klee told a chemist…

REX (Prickly): What kind of a chemist? Analytical? Organic ? Physical? (Beat). Or was it a cook that he mistook for a chemist?

REGINA: A famous chemist.

REX: What’s his name?

REGINA: A Nobel Prize winning chemist… who liked lecturing to artists about his scientific theory of colour.

REX: Don’t tell me… Wilhelm Ostwald.

REGINA: Yes, if you must know.

REX: And what did Klee say to Ostwald?

REGINA: “Your scientific ideas just fetter us artists. They renounce the wealth of the soul. Thanks, but no thanks!” Well what’s good enough for Paul Klee is certainly good enough for me. So let me repeat: “Thanks, but no thanks.”

REX: I’ve had it! I tried to be collegial—

REGINA: Collegial?

REX: I wanted to explain how we arrived at our conclusion—

REGINA: You think I need an explanation?

REX (Sarcastic): Oh pardon me! I forgot. You have no use for trace metal analysis, but you’re an expert in thermoluminescence… and scanning electron microscopy. In their scope and limitations—

REGINA: Their limitations! Exactly.

REX: You’re impossible! Here… (hands over the report he wrote). Read it.

REGINA: I don’t need to read this… I’ll just file it in the only place I file such rubbish.

REX: In that case… wait till it’s published! And the shit hits the fan!

REGINA (Taken aback): You plan to publish this?

Scene 5. Emma’s office. Continuing where we left off with Emma and Otto.

OTTO: So…the Frau Director knows nothing about us?

EMMA: There’s nothing to know.

OTTO: Yet.

EMMA (Beat, then): No. Will you tell your Rex?

OTTO: No.

EMMA: Good. And what about us two? Is continued shoptalk wise?

OTTO: Why not?

EMMA: It might be smarter if we didn’t. That argument isn’t over… it’s just begun.

OTTO: What do you mean not over?

EMMA: Because I know what’s at stake. I work there… and a museum is not a lab.

OTTO (Touchily): Meaning?

EMMA: At the end of the day, when you leave your lab, you leave it and your experiment stays behind. When I leave the museum, the work goes with me…

OTTO: So my work is just a job, while yours is a life?

EMMA (Laughs): I wouldn’t have put it quite so bluntly. But I deal with images.

OTTO: You can’t slide a knife between art and science!

EMMA: Of course you can. (Beat). Art historians do it all the time.

OTTO: Believe me, she’s going to feel so sick that she started this.

EMMA: Not Regina Leitner-Opferman. She has a cast iron stomach.

OTTO: Maybe. But chemists know their poisons. And Rex is one of the best in the business.

(He leans over trying to kiss her, but she pushes him away.)

EMMA: Uh-huh! How do I know your kisses aren’t poisonous?

Scene 6. Later that day. Regina’s office.

REGINA (Sarcastic): So his eminence thought my department needed help?

EMMA: He thought my Renaissance background would be useful. (Beat) He would like to salvage the situation.

REGINA (Bitterly): Wouldn’t we all?

EMMA: You know, I do want to help. But if I’m just in your way—

REGINA: Forget it. Even if you’re just trying to be polite, I shouldn’t take it out on you. I should blame myself.

           (Long pause with Emma starting to get uncomfortable)

REGINA (Suddenly): Have you ever been in love?

(Notices Emma’s surprise)

I mean truly in love. Convinced that there’s nobody like that… and never will be?

EMMA (Embarrassed, searches for words): Maybe not quite like that.

REGINA (Dismissive): Of course not. You’re too young. So pay attention.

                  Suddenly changes demeanor and voice, now low, almost pleading.

I’ve lived with that young man for years. But instead of taking him for granted… or even worse, getting bored with him… he’s turned into an ever-increasing passion. When I thought that there wasn’t a millimetre of his body I had not explored… suddenly… sometimes in the middle of the night… a missing detail would hit me. Do you know what sort of details?

EMMA (Confused and embarrassed): No.

REGINA (Dismissive): Of course you can’t. (Pause). Say the space between his big toe and the adjoining one. Whether there was any difference between the left and the right foot. (Almost demandingly). Have you ever run your finger between a man’s toes?

EMMA (Embarrassed): I don’t remember… probably not.

REGINA: Then you haven’t because you would’ve remembered it. Now! You have seen him. So how tall do you think he is?

EMMA (Startled): Oh… I don’t know… 1.7 or 1.8 meters.

REGINA: 1.835 meters! (Pause). What about the width of his head?

EMMA: I have no idea.

REGINA: 20.5 centimeters! The length of his face?

EMMA (Taken aback): I don’t know.

REGINA: 18.2 centimeters. The distance from his hairline to the nose?

EMMA (Deeply embarrassed): Please don’t!

REGINA (Ever more obsessive and progressively faster): 4.5 centimeters. The length of his nose? 6.2 centimeters! From the nose to his chin? 6.5 centimeters. Inner width of his eyes? 3.5. The distance of one eye to the other? (Beat). Never mind. But don’t think I just remember the face. (Increasingly rapid). Width of his shoulders? 46 centimeters. Distance of Adam’s apple to navel? 41.4 centimeters. Distance between his nipples? 27.5 centimeters. Length of his thighs? 57 centimeters. (Suddenly turns silent).

EMMA (Totally embarrassed): May I leave?

REGINA (Absentminded): What?

EMMA: I said, may I leave?

REGINA: Not yet. (Beat) The moment I laid eyes on him, I felt a wave of intuitive attraction… of feeling he was authentic. I was so besotted by the accuracy of my hunch that I ignored my own warning signals, including the untarnished state of the patina. You don’t know what I’m talking about, do you?

EMMA: Not entirely.

REGINA: Art historians acquire a powerful unconscious ability. We have the capacity to sift huge amounts of information, blend data, isolate telling details, and come to astonishingly rapid conclusions, even in the first few seconds of seeing something. (Beat). Sounds conceited, I know. Bernard Berenson was like that. Of course, it comes from years of examining art.

Long pause.

But there is a problem if one depends on such hunches.

EMMA (increasingly uncomfortable): They don’t always work.

REGINA: Right! And now I have to find a way of rectifying my mistake without giving that chemist the satisfaction that he did it.

Scene 7. Later that day. Rex’s office.

REX: Do you know what that woman said? What she dared say to me? (Tries to mimic Regina’s tone). “Your scientific ideas just fetter us artists, you renounce the wealth of the soul.... Thanks, but no thanks!”

OTTO: She was quoting Paul Klee.

REX (Astonished): How on earth did you know that?

OTTO (Realizing he should not have volunteered that information): Oh… from some art… friend.

REX: We’re going to rewrite our paper.

OTTO: But there’s no need. The point has been made. The energy dispersive X-ray microanalysis showing a nickel content much too high for a Roman bronze. The thermoluminescence data. The computer tomography—

REX: Forget about our fancy science! I was prepared to use it… then… when I was still thinking of professional collegiality. When I was prepared to publish something jointly with her that would avoid a public embarrassment. But after that barrage of insults, collegiality is the last thing I’m thinking of. This is war! (Short pause). I’m not saying we eliminate the scientific evidence… just underplay it. I want every reader of that paper to realize that sophisticated science wasn’t needed to demonstrate how wrong they were. Simple horse-sense… uncontaminated by all that art historian crap. Its bad enough that she’s mocking professional scientists, but she’s only an art historian.

OTTO: You’re not actually going to say that?

REX: I’d love to… but we’d never get that into print, we’ll write it so that every reader still recognizes it for what it really is.

Scene 8. Regina’s office. Continuing where we left off with Regina and Emma.

REGINA: Why did I ignore it?

EMMA: What?

REGINA: For me he was so perfect. I didn’t want to face this one blemish. A plugged hole on the top of his head. Never in my worst nightmare would I’ve guessed that this dismal orifice would be the fatal flaw… I could’ve worked it all out by myself so easily. Tomorrow, I’ve got to give a talk to our sponsors. But after that, we’ve got to plan. There must be a way out.

Scene 9. Rex’s office. Continuing where we left off with Rex and Otto.

REX: We’ll start with the hole.

OTTO: Why?

REX: I thought you’d be pleased. You’re the one who first stuck his nose into it. I was too busy focusing on the bronze. After all… isn’t that what made my lab’s reputation? Analyzing bronze… preserving it—

OTTO: Even faking it… to perfection.

REX: Watch what you’re saying, young man! What I told you was that given what we’ve learned about bronze analysis, we could fake any bronze and even fool the experts. You’ve never heard me say… I repeat: never… that we would commit a forgery.

OTTO: Sorry.

REX: What made you open it in the first place?

OTTO: Curiosity.

REX: Commendable.

OTTO: Although you weren’t exactly crazy about my idea to get hold of an endoscope and look all the way inside.

REX: Just wait till you turn fifty and your doctor tells you it’s time you have your first colonoscopy. Having someone stick an endoscope up your rear turns you off from sticking it anywhere.

OTTO: It was worth it. You could see the armature… and the thickness.

REX: Precisely. So let’s rub it in. 

(Otto produces a little notebook from his pocket and begins furiously taking notes during Rex’s next speech.)

We’ll point out that no endoscope was needed to see the error. Roman casts were never more than five millimeters thick. This was twenty! One could see that practically with the naked eye once the hole was unplugged. Renaissance casts were that thick because the sculptors got paid by weight. Even an art historian would have noticed… but they hardly ever look inside. It’s always on the surface. (Mocking tone): “sensitivity of visual perception”… “critical connoisseurship”… But it’s all based on external observation. They’re blinded by the self-assurance of their aesthetic infallibility.

(Rex sees Otto still writing.)

REX: Don’t put that in the report… that’s just between you and me. No, start with the hole. Show that once it was opened, calipers would have sufficed to determine the thickness.

OTTO: What about all the work I did, especially the thermoluminescence? That was unambiguous evidence. Are we ignoring all that?

REX: Yes.

OTTO: But—

REX: No buts.

OTTO: Okay… okay.

REX: Good. Now get on with it.

OTTO: You don’t need collaborators… you need slaves.

REX: You know what she called me? That arrogant, vain, supercilious, pretentious…

OTTO: You were going to tell me what she called you!

REX: “Cocksure.” She… who never mentioned his penis in all her 345 pages. Not one entry under “penis” in the index! And then she calls me “cocksure”!

(Rex exits.)

(from offstage) Why aren’t you working?!!

Scene 10. The following day. REGINA presenting a lecture 

REGINA (Video showing overall sculpture): Allow your gaze to fall upon this stunning masterpiece… first, its overall cardinal constancy, coupled with a dash of impetuousness. But then resist the temptation of starting with the face. Start the way I did when I first encountered him: From the base…

(Video zooms to toes)

… for instance… those perfect… almost delectable toes. And then… the feet fast… the shin and calves well favored; knee ever so gently flexed; thighs so shapely yet solid; and then the proud loins…

(Just before reaching the penis, the video image turns to show buttocks).

And the buttocks with their bivalve roundness… (As zoomed video image travels upward from navel): Navel discreet; young chest manly and rippling … adorned by nipples perceptive; throat unflawed; chin almost unreal; lower lip… so tempting. (Beat). The nose…aquiline and Roman; and the eyes… though a sculpture’s dead eyes… limpidly seductive and simultaneously blazing. And now… those beguiling curls… those tantalizing ringlets. Let us start over here. (Points with laser pointer). Five of them twirling to the left… then eight coiling to the right… and now thirteen! In other words… the famous Fibonacci sequence. I shall not ask the trite question whether this unknown sculptor genius was also a mathematician…

Scene 11. Immediately after Regina’s lecture. Emma’s office.

OTTO: Jesus!

EMMA: Be grateful… it wasn’t easy to smuggle you in. At least, you’ve now heard her at her best.

OTTO (Derisive): “Delectable toes!”

EMMA: Why not? Not so long ago, you said something like that about mine.

OTTO: I was talking about flesh… not bronze. “Buttocks with their bivalve roundness!” She couldn’t have thought of that on the spur of the moment.

EMMA: She was quoting. She’s good at it.

OTTO: And even better at not citing the source, apparently.

EMMA: The black and white scientist! Always insisting on true or false… the bon mot cited or not cited. How about just discreetly borrowed?

OTTO: How about precious.

EMMA: At times, precious discourse in museums does work. This was a discourse to our potential sponsors. And a rather effective one at that.

OTTO: And that stuff about the Fibonacci sequence?

EMMA: Oh, that. That’s her favorite line. She always uses it.

OTTO: All that simulated aesthetic bliss. I thought she was going to have an orgasm.

EMMA: You mean you missed it? She had at least two.

OTTO: Probably faked ones.

EMMA: What do you men know about faked orgasms?

(This stings him a little.)

OTTO: As a matter of fact, she missed something.

EMMA: Oh?

OTTO: The penis.

EMMA: What about it?

OTTO: Small.

EMMA: He’s young.

OTTO: He’s at least twenty. Cocks stop growing at seventeen.

EMMA (Sarcastic): You don’t say!… we’re dealing with aesthetics here…

OTTO: Jesus! You sound like her!

EMMA: … with conceptual coherence…

OTTO: I thought we shared an interest in the study of the penis.

EMMA: But where? In art, literature, anthropology, medicine? 

OTTO: How about in bed?

EMMA: Otto. This is a museum.-

OTTO: What‘s your Regina’s hang-up? Considering the fact that she covered every millimeter of that precious body… yet ignored one of the most important appendages.

EMMA: Sometimes… not mentioning a feature emphasizes its importance.

OTTO: Feature?!

EMMA: There are times… especially in art… when the penis is only a feature. In most classical Greek art, nude males have small penises. On purpose… as a sign of an aristocratic male. The Greeks didn’t make an issue out of size… on the contrary, the point was daintiness.

OTTO: You must be kidding.

EMMA: Seeing the small flaccid phallus in the openly displayed male nude and then contrasting it with an engorged jutting protuberance—

OTTO (Pretends outrage): Protuberance?

EMMA: The tiny one in public… the oversized erect one in private. Enjoying the best of both possible worlds: conventional modesty and yet—

OTTO (Disdainful): Very small and then oversized? That’s an anatomical contradiction!

EMMA: We are dealing with convention in Greek art and society… not anatomy.

OTTO: That’s pretty subtle.

EMMA: Subtlety may be one of the key differences between science and art.

OTTO: For Christ’s sake—

EMMA: All right… take Christ. Take Christ’s penis.

OTTO (Taken aback): Blasphemous.

EMMA: Hardly. Do you know what art historians have to say about Christ’s sexuality?

OTTO: I didn’t know this was a subject of discussion among your clique.

EMMA: Do you know that in the hundreds… no, thousands... of Renaissance pictures of the Madonna and Child, there is hardly one that doesn’t show the penis of the Christ child? Look here. From the exhibition I curated recently…

(Mantegna’s painting, preferably with close-up focus on infant Jesus)

OTTO: Your point being!

EMMA: Look! They even have him play with his penis.

            (Sodoma painting)

OTTO (Momentarily taken aback): Well… infants are known to do that.

EMMA: Of course they do… even though some adults are shocked. But what about his grandmother fondling his penis?

            (Baldung woodcut)

OTTO: His Grandmother?

EMMA: St. Anne. But now take the images of the adult Jesus from that period. In most paintings, he’s virtually naked, but invariably some drape or fold covers his loins. But as always, there are the odd exceptions.

OTTO (Testily): Meaning?

EMMA (Goading him): The occasional erection.

OTTO (Shocked): You’re joking!

EMMA: Relax! It’s covered… though not too subtly.

(1520-1525 images of van Heemskerck’s and Ludwig Krug’s engraving of “Man of Sorrows”

So what’s the artist’s point?

OTTO: To show that Jesus was a man.

EMMA (Ironic): Brilliant! But that has already been established in all the nude baby Jesuses and their penises. Now… aside from that signifier—

OTTO (Dismissive): Oh, God! No, not signifier!

EMMA: That’s exactly what the penis is, a signifier. But since it is usually associated with reproduction—

OTTO: Not pleasure?

EMMA: And pleasure. But neither reproduction nor physical pleasure had anything to do with Jesus, so his groin is never openly displayed. Never!

OTTO: What is this? A prickly lecture?

EMMA (Reaches over and unzips his fly, pulling his shirt tail out).

OTTO (Grabs her hand): What are you doing? Someone might come in!

EMMA: Now, do you see?

OTTO: See what?

EMMA: There are times and places when the penis is neither displayed nor discussed. Now, go away, I’ve got work to do.

OTTO: What about lunch?

(He zips his fly back up)

EMMA: Out before the Frau Director catches you. (She bundles him out of the office)

Scene 12. Later that day. Regina’s office.

REGINA: They lapped it up, didn’t they?

EMMA: You were very persuasive.

REGINA: Who was that man you were with at my lecture? I couldn’t see him properly.

EMMA (Taken aback): Just an acquaintance.

REGINA: What does he do?

EMMA (Now desperate to change the subject): Dull stuff. (Beat). I noticed you skipped the usual introduction.

REGINA: What?

EMMA: The oldest Roman sculpture discovered north of Italy?

REGINA: That’s why I didn’t take any questions. What if someone had brought it up? His Eminence already asked: what will the museum’s official line be?

EMMA: And your reply?

REGINA: That we’re working on it.

Scene 13 Luxemburg, 1576 during Don Juan of Austria’s voyage from Spain to assume his

duties as Governor General (Generalstatthalter) of the Netherlands.

A room in Don Juan’s residence. Blomberg, wearing a veil, waits. As Don Juan enters, she makes a gesture of supplication to him, going down on her knees.

DON JUAN: Madam! Please, rise.

(She stays still.)

DON JUAN: Very well, but I assure you there’s no need. Will you allow me to sit?

            (She nods.)

DON JUAN: Thank you. (He takes a seat.) Now. What favor did you come to ask? (Louder when she does not reply). I said: what favor? (Beat). Madam! Is your hearing impaired? (She shakes her head.) Then speak. (Beat) I cannot know what troubles you unless you tell me. (Beat) Your name then? (Beat) Come, come, there’s no need to be afraid! Out with it. (Beat) Why won’t you speak? (Beat) Do we know each other? (She nods) Then take off your veil. (Louder). Take it off! I have witnessed many terrible things in battles. Faces of men mutilated beyond recognition. If you are scarred or ugly, fear no shame in front of me. (Beat) Madam! You try my patience! 

Slowly, she removes the veil.

DON JUAN (Taken aback): But you have no reason to hide your face… there’s barely a blemish. I feel as though we have met before… somewhere.

BLOMBERG: Sire, I’m your mother.

Scene 14 The next day. Rex’s office and Regina’s office, split scene.

REX: What’s your hypothesis?

OTTO: About what?

REX: What’s Leitner-Opfermann going to do? I told the Museum Director that I was working on the formal report for him and he told me to take my time. I wonder whether he’s trying to protect her.

OTTO: Why ask me?

REX (Laughs): I like to hear my younger colleague’s opinions.

OTTO: Only to then demolish them.

REX: Correction! Try to demolish them. That’s what science is all about… a lesson that Frau Dr. Leitner-Opfermann does not seem to have learned. To her, counterarguments are just personal affronts. Well? Let’s hear your hypothesis.

OTTO (Clearly uncomfortable): I wouldn’t want to guess.

REX: I’m not out to screw up things for the Museum.

OTTO: But there’s nothing to screw up! It’s either a Roman cast or it’s not. Like pregnancy. The woman is pregnant… or she’s not.

REX (Laughs loudly): But who’s the daddy?

OTTO: You have something in mind, don’t you?

REX: Maybe. Has Leitner-Opfermann ever met you?

OTTO: No.

REX: Seen you?

OTTO: I don’t know.

REX: What do you mean you don’t know?

OTTO (Uncomfortable): Well… I went to one of her lectures.

REX: Oh? How small was the audience?

OTTO: The room was overflowing.

REX: Really?

OTTO: She’s a pretty flamboyant lecturer.

REX: All icing, no cake?

OTTO: No, some cake.

REX: Well… if the place was full she wouldn’t have noticed you. (Beat). I’d like you to do some snooping around… discreetly.

OTTO: Why?

REX: Have you read her book?

OTTO: No.

REX: You should. It’s not bad… in spite of myopic arty-fartiness. But she has a lot at stake… I just wonder what she’s up to? (Beat). I’ll tell you what I’ll do. I’ll call her to see whether she has calmed down. If she has, I’ll give her another chance.

OTTO (Surprised): You’ll do that?

(OTTO excuses himself and calls EMMA. EMMA’s cell phone rings) 

REGINA: Would you please shut off that infernal instrument!

EMMA (Embarrassed): I’m terribly sorry. I thought it was off. It won’t happen again. One second. (Turns away, whispering into phone). Not now!

OTTO: It’s me.

EMMA (Whispers while shaking her head): Uh-uh.

OTTO: Are you in her office?

EMMA: Yes.

OTTO: Make some excuse.

EMMA: Uh-uh.

OTTO: Rex is calling her.

EMMA: What?

OTTO: One sec.

REX: Take your time. (Lifts desk phone and dials).

REGINA: Emma!

EMMA (To Otto): Gotta go.

OTTO: Wait! You must prepare her!

Regina’s phone rings. She picks it up.

REGINA (Irritated): Yes? (Pause).

REX: Stolzfuss speaking.

OTTO: Listen.

REGINA: Yes. (Turns away from Emma).

EMMA (Turns away from Regina): Quick then.

REX: I would like to give you one more chance.

OTTO: There’s one more possibility.

REGINA: One more chance?

EMMA: For what?

OTTO: Compromise.

REX: A ceasefire.

REGINA: You’re prepared to apologize?

EMMA: He’ll apologize?

OTTO: Apologize?

REX: I should apologize? I?

EMMA: Yes!

REGINA: What?

OTTO: We have nothing to apologize for.

REX: I haven’t even started and you’re asking me to apologize?

REGINA: I’m talking about your report.

EMMA: So you’re on his side?

REX: And I’m talking about its contents.

OTTO: I’m working for him.

REGINA: In that case there is nothing more to discuss.

REX: What?

REGINA: (Slams down the phone). What a jerk!

REX: (Slams down the phone). What a bitch!

EMMA (Quick): I’ve got to go. (Does so).

OTTO: What! What? Hello? (Realizes she hung up). Now what?

REGINA: Do you know who called?

EMMA (Quietly): I can guess.

REGINA: I wonder why he called?

EMMA: So do I.

REGINA: I shouldn’t have lost my temper… at least not before finding out what he’s up to. I don’t trust that man… or that stooge of his, what’s his name?

EMMA: Otto Ellenbogen.

REGINA: You know him?

EMMA (Disingenuously): What do I know about chemists?

REGINA: Keep away from them. They’re poison. And if they’re not poison, they’re plebeians. Correction! They’re bullies. And scientific bullies are the worst kind… because they try smothering you with facts. Words like “beauty”… “aesthetic perspective”… even “historical provenance”… don’t exist in their vocabulary. I wouldn’t be surprised if he comes out with the story about Michelangelo and the Cupid he buried in a garden in Rome. Hmm, well we’ll show him what provenance can do!

EMMA: We?

REGINA: Yes, because you’re going to help me search for supporting evidence.

EMMA: And if I do find something?

REGINA: You tell me… but no one else. As a Renaissance scholar I presume you speak some Spanish?

EMMA: Claro.

REGINA: What about reading old Spanish texts?

EMMA (Smiling): No hay problema.

REGINA: Good girl!

Scene 15 SECOND DON JUAN/BARBARA BLOMBERG INTERMEZZO picking up on the first intermezzo in exactly the same place where it ended)

BLOMBERG: I promised the King, your brother, never to see you again.

DON JUAN: And what have you to do with the King, my brother? He is not your son.

BLOMBERG: You share the same father.

DON JUAN: Father? Yes. (Sharply). But not legitimacy… or power.

BLOMBERG: The Emperor recognized you as his son…

DON JUAN: When I was 12. But for my father’s generosity… the Court would never have accepted me.

BLOMBERG: The dark shadow of my error.

DON JUAN: To have yielded to the Emperor’s desire?

BLOMBERG: Sire, I have never regretted that. But to have borne—

DON JUAN (Bitterly): His bastard!

BLOMBERG: His son, a hero.

DON JUAN: They call me the Imperial Bastard… not to my face, of course… and think I’m not privy to their thoughts… or to my brother’s. (With increasing bitterness). His Majesty, Philip II, husband of Queen Mary of England, who denied me the right… after my return from victorious battle… to wed Mary Stuart of Scotland! (Angrily and with increasing speed). He… Philip II… King of Spain and of Castile, Leon, Aragon, the two Sicilies, Jerusalem, Navarre, Granada, Toledo, Valencia, Galicia, Majorca, Seville, Sardinia, Corsica, Murcia, Jaén, the Algarbes, Algeciras, Gibraltar, the Canary Islands, the Indies, and all the islands and lands of the Ocean-Sea, Count of Barcelona, Lord of Biscay and Molina, Duke of Athens and Neopatria, Count of Rousillon and Sardinia, Marquis of Aristan and Sociano, Duke of Brabant and of Milan, Count of Florence and of the Tyrol. (Stops suddenly, switching tone and speed). I could go on. Yet my brother never shared any with me... not one kingdom… not even Naples or Sardinia! Who saved the Holy Roman Empire from being overrun by the Ottomans? Who… led the Holy Catholic League’s fleet out of Messina against the Turks and vanquished them?

BLOMBERG My son… not yet 24, the hero of the Battle of Lepanto. I beg you, Sire, indulge me. I may never see you again. (Beat). You were born on the 24^th day of February in the year 1547: Also the day of the Emperor’s birth. (Beat). Nine months before, His Imperial Majesty, Charles V, came to Regensburg. It was Spring. I stood in front of a sculpture… waving like so many others… as the emperor passed.

DON JUAN (Not disguising his impatience): And?

BLOMBERG: He noticed—

DON JUAN: The sculpture?

BLOMBERG: Who knows? But he noticed me.

DON JUAN (Curious): Why you?

BLOMBERG: They say I was beautiful… then.

DON JUAN (Kinder): Your appearance still pleases the eye.

BLOMBERG: Your Highness flatters me. My years and travails have taken their toll. (Beat). But that night, I was conducted… in strictest privacy… to the Emperor. His Majesty was 46 and long widowed. He seemed lonely… and desired solace from me. I was but 18… and still unacquainted with the ways of men. We spent the night. I never saw his Majesty again.

Scene 16 REX’s office. Continuing where we left off.

OTTO: That was quick.

REX: I don’t know why I bothered.

OTTO: I didn’t think it was such a good idea giving her a call.

REX (Defensively): To give her one more chance to see whether we could arrive at a joint statement that wouldn’t embarrass her? I thought it was damn generous of me.

OTTO: How could you avoid embarrassing her? Any concession would be an embarrassment. She’s a true believer.

REX: What’s belief other than a source of energy? In this case, the source is a battery that is about to go flat.

OTTO: Who knows? She may well try to recharge it.

REX: Otto! Do you know something I don’t?

OTTO (Disingenuously) That, Herr Professor, is impossible.

Scene 17 Regina’s office. Continuing where we left off.

EMMA: So far so good. But what’s your hypothesis?

REGINA: That the original… the one dug up in 1502… went to one of the Spanish Habsburgs, while we were left with the 16^th century cast.

EMMA: And you just thought of all this… after the chemists questioned the age of our bronze?

REGINA: No. Years ago. When I first worked on my book.

EMMA: But I’ve read your book… from beginning to end. Even the dedication: “To Ignaz Opfermann, supporter and life companion.”

REGINA: I forgot to delete that page when they reprinted it.

EMMA: There’s no mention of the Habsburgs… at least no Spanish ones.

REGINA: I know.

EMMA: Why now… but not then?

REGINA: It was a Spanish Habsburg insurance policy… in case my Roman theory was off the mark. Unfortunately, I was so in love with my theory, I pursued it.

EMMA: So who ended up with the Roman original?

REGINA: Good question.

EMMA: Any hints?

REGINA: There are always hints for a plausible hypothesis…. especially with the Habsburgs.

Scene 18 THIRD DON JUAN/BARBARA BLOMBERG INTERMEZZO)

DON JUAN: You never saw my father again?

BLOMBERG: Never.

DON JUAN: But you spoke?

BLOMBERG: Yes… that night. But I in German and his Majesty in Castilian.

DON JUAN: What did my father say?

BLOMBERG: I do not know. Then, I only knew my mother tongue. But he was kind. (Long pause). Yet…

DON JUAN: Yet?

BLOMBERG: Nine months later… when I bore a son… I was persuaded by the Emperor’s emissary to wed one of his officers. A bribe.

DON JUAN: Madam! You must choose your words more prudently.

BLOMBERG: I was favoured with a payment of 5000 florins and the promise of 100 Thalers annually once I was married to that officer. (Bitterly). Some, of course, might call it a token of generosity. (Beat) Or perhaps affection?

DON JUAN: What happened then?

BLOMBERG: Not yet four, my son was removed by his Majesty’s violist, Francisco Massi. It was the last time I saw you, Sire… until today.

DON JUAN (Reminisces): Massi and Donna Ana brought me to Spain. For three years, they treated me kindly. When I was seven, the Emperor’s confidante, Don Luis Quijada and his wife, Donna Magdalena took me into their home where I was tutored in Greek, Latin and French… not German. But also in matters of the Court.

BLOMBERG: I was never told.

DON JUAN: Ever since I have called Donna Magdalena “mother”… (Pause) until today.

BLOMBERG: My son… When did you first encounter your father?

DON JUAN: After his abdication… in Extremadura… in the monastery of Yuste. But then, I did not know he was my father… not until after his death. His Majesty, King Philip, himself showed me the secret codicil to the Emperor’s will in which he recognized me as his son. I have never forgotten the words that changed my life. Do you want to hear them?

BLOMBERG: I would be honored

DON JUAN: (Quotes). “I state and declare that, while a resident in Germany, and after I became a widower, I had an illegitimate son named Jeromín by an unmarried woman.” (Looks at her and pauses).

BLOMBERG: No name for her?

DON JUAN: (With compassion): No name.

BLOMBERG: Is there more?

DON JUAN: There is… but only about me.

BLOMBERG: May I hear it?

DON JUAN: “I charge my son, Prince Philip, that he be given duchies in the Kingdom of Naples for payment of an annual income as well as honouring his natural brother as Don Juan of Austria and oblige others to do likewise, have for him all proper respect, and compel the carrying out, compliance, and execution of all of the terms and provisions of this codicil.” (Beat). I am now Lieutenant Governor and Captain-General of the Low Countries.

BLOMBERG: The Emperor… in heaven… will be pleased how the people and King Philip now honour you.

DON JUAN: Governing the Low Countries? An impossible task… as my brother well knows… and hence assigned to me.

BLOMBERG: Nothing is impossible for the Hero of Lepanto.

DON JUAN (Suddenly spent): We shall see, yet now your hero is afraid.

Scene 19 Regina’s office. Continuing where we left with Regina and Emma

EMMA: Ok, so this is where I come in. Just think how many Habsburgs there were in the 16^th and 17^th centuries.

REGINA: How about Emperor Charles V?

EMMA: An obvious candidate.

REGINA: But?

EMMA: If he’d gotten it, there would have been some record. Every day of his life has been accounted for. There is his son, Philip II. But there are lots of others…even some women. Is there more?

REGINA: A hint. We need facts. Hard facts. Ideally, unimpeachable facts to convert the hint into a plausible hypothesis. If you find them, we’ll package them with grace and wit. To overcome this (again pointing to pages in front of her) accretion of pedestrian chemical detritus. Here… (reaches into drawer to produce some sheets of paper). Read this… my notes from way back. The details of a hypothesis that never made it into my book.

EMMA: And where do you want me to start?

REGINA: Buy a round trip to Spain. But make it Austrian Airlines… not Iberia. I’m charging this to the director’s budget.

Scene 20. A couple of weeks later.

OTTO: What’s going on with you? I leave messages, which you don’t answer—

EMMA (Interrupts): I’ve been awfully busy.

OTTO: And when I do reach you… you keep stalling.

EMMA: I told you… my new project. Roman antiquities are not exactly my métier. I have a lot of catching up to do.

OTTO: Day and night?

EMMA: Yes. She doesn’t have much time. The Museum director is bugging her.

OTTO: What are those people after? They can’t show we’re wrong.

EMMA: We don’t question the chemical evidence.

OTTO: We? You mean, you’re taking her side? Look. It’s quite simple. The sculpture was cast in 1548.

EMMA: What makes you so sure?

OTTO: I was the one who did the thermoluminescence work—

EMMA: Which leads to such precise dating? How?

OTTO: After I opened the hole in his head, I dug a small piece of ceramic out of the inside of the sculpture—

EMMA (Impatient): And?

OTTO: With thermoluminescence, you can determine the exact date when the ceramic was subjected last to high heat… it’s all in the report we’re sending to the Museum Director…

EMMA: And which you intend to publish?

OTTO: Of course. Just quote this as a private communication from one of the authors… and then be done with it… and then meet me for dinner.

EMMA: And bring Leitner-Opfermann along? So she can congratulate you?

OTTO: Well if you’re not going to shower me with your admiration right here… then do it at dinner. And if not at dinner, then—

EMMA: It’s all about her. It’s her project… it’s her life work. Our Museum director sent me to help her and I plan to do so.

OTTO (Getting curious): What can you people still do about him?

EMMA: Plenty.

OTTO: No. It’s settled once and for all.

EMMA: Perhaps for you . But not for us.

OTTO: Emma. Why bother crossing t’s or dotting I’s?

EMMA: How about changing a page or a chapter if not the entire book?

OTTO: I smell your (smirking) Frau Director Dr. Leitner-Opfermann behind such conceit.

EMMA: Leave her alone. You’ve barely met her. Besides… it’s also turned into my conceit.

OTTO (Surprised): I don’t believe it.

EMMA: That’s your problem.

OTTO (Slightly backtracking): Sorry… I didn’t mean that.

EMMA: I think you did… forget it. So you’re satisfied with finding the cast was made in 1548? That’s it?

OTTO: But what else is there?

EMMA: You don’t think to ask, “why and where it was cast, and who did it?”

OTTO (Irritated): All right! Why?

EMMA: I don’t know. (Beat).

OTTO: Are you sure? (Beat). You’d tell me if you did, wouldn’t you? Emma?

EMMA: Talking about privileged information is dangerous.

OTTO: What? (Beat) Even between us?

EMMA: That doesn’t make it less privileged. And if you’re snooping, then it’s verboten.

OTTO: What’s come over you?

EMMA: Regina thinks she is on the track of an explanation that would make your work not wrong… but trivial.

OTTO (Outraged): Trivial?

EMMA: You heard me.

OTTO (Trying to let it go): Let’s drop the subject… and be nice to each other. How about dinner tonight?

EMMA: I can’t.

OTTO: Tomorrow?

EMMA: I wish I could. But I’ve got to pack and get ready for a trip.

OTTO: For how long?

EMMA: It’s open-ended.

OTTO: I see. (Beat) Am I allowed to know where you’re going? Or am I snooping?

EMMA: Spain.

OTTO: Really? Hey – I’ve got an idea. Let me go with you. I can be your translator. For years I spent my holidays at my grandfather’s house in Ibiza.

EMMA (Realizing she should not have offered that information). Please keep quiet about Spain. And I don’t need a translator.

OTTO (Getting curious): Why Spain??

She is silent.

Oh, Emma! We can’t go on like this all day! Just tell me!

EMMA: All right, but… keep it to yourself.

OTTO: Of course! What do you take me for? I wish you’d trust me just for once!

Scene 21 Later that day. Rex’s office.

REX: Spain?

OTTO: Hm-mm.

REX: I wonder what Leitner- Opfermann is up to now… sending her little Finger to Spain. (Musingly). Any idea?

OTTO: Well… I think she’s trying to get out of the corner you’ve painted her in.

REX: Now, now! You’re the one with paint all over his hands. You deserve much of the credit…

OTTO (Hesitatingly): I think she’s denying that what’s standing in the Museum is only a 16^th century cast.

REX (Becoming suspicious): Are you guessing or do you know?

OTTO: I’m putting two and two together.

REX: Well? Out with it!

OTTO: I think she believes that the original is somewhere in Spain.

REX: You mean, they dug it up in Spain and then made a cast there in the 16^th century to ship it up here? Ridiculous!

OTTO: How about the reverse? The cast was made here… in Austria… and the Roman original shipped to Spain?

REX: And she’s trying to find it?

OTTO: I guess so.

REX: What’s your evidence?

OTTO: Reading between the lines.

REX: What lines?

OTTO: Oh, you know. Just…lines…things I pick up here and there.

REX: And your source?

OTTO: Source? Well, no one in particular.

REX: I see. You wouldn’t want to point a… (beat) finger at anyone… would you? (Beat) Okay! If she wants a Spanish explanation, I’ll give her one.

Scene 22 Later that day. Regina’s office.

REGINA: Start in Aranjuez. Check the Royal Gardens of the period. See what you can find out about the two sculptures that disappeared a couple of hundred years ago.

EMMA: The ones in your notes? (Points to papers in her hand). One male, one female? Are they a matching pair?

REGINA: Nobody knows. But that’s an important point.

EMMA: What’s the evidence that one was Venus?

REGINA: Indirect. One of the inventories mentions a Venus donated around that time by Francesco de Medici that ended up in the Royal Gardens.

EMMA: A gift to Philip II?

REGINA: Apparently. And presented by the Medicis in Florence.

EMMA: That may be worth looking into.

REGINA: I wish I had pursued that myself… Mea Culpa.

EMMA: And the sculptures disappeared?

REGINA: Both at the same time… in the 19^th century. Suggesting that they were a pair.

EMMA: Or belonged to the same owner?

REGINA: Precisely. So why not start in Aranjuez? And a special bonus: Did you know that Aranjuez has the best strawberries in Spain?

Scene 23 A few days later. Rex’s office.

OTTO: Here I am. Quite a mysterious summons.

REX: Nothing mysterious… just hush hush. I’m about to ask you something I’ve never done before. Drop everything you’re doing. I want you to start on a project that shouldn’t take more than eight weeks… meaning it must be finished in seven. Is that understood?

OTTO (Attempting banter): What’s the alternative?

REX (Firmly): There isn’t any.

OTTO: Sounds serious.

REX: And important. Better take some notes. You know that we still have the complete computer scan of the sculpture. (Rex punches up image on the computer screen)

OTTO: You mean go back to that? What else is there still to do?

REX: Here, take a look. I have marked three sections (points to them)… here… here… and here.

OTTO (Puzzled): Left foot, torso and head?

REX: Minus the left ear! Don’t skip that. It’s crossed out on the picture.

OTTO: Okay… no left ear. But what now?

REX: Before Dr. Hagen left our Institute for greener pastures in Berlin, he showed you how to do computer molding.

OTTO (Dismissive): I’d learned computer modelling before I ever joined your lab.

REX (Sharply): Otto…pay attention. I said “computer molding”… not modelling.

OTTO (Embarrassed): Sorry.

REX: Well?

OTTO: Yes?

REX: How comfortable are you doing a careful molding job?

OTTO: Alone? Without help?

REX: I told you this is confidential.

OTTO: I’ll need to practice a bit.

REX: In that case, start practicing… today!

OTTO: And then what?

REX: I want plaster figures… precise ones… of those three sections.

OTTO (Astonished… pointing to the screen): Of this?

REX: None other than that young gentleman. As soon as they’re ready, you bring them to me for some finishing off. (Disingenuously). You know… the master’s touches.

OTTO: To establish co-authorship?

REX: You’re a bit of a smart ass, aren’t you Otto?

OTTO (Who, suitably chastened, starts scribbling in his notepad): And then?

REX: Make bronze casts… no more than 5 millimeters thick… and pay particular attention to the trace metal composition. Especially very low Nickel values… you know… typical of the early Roman casts.

OTTO: You said Roman?

REX: Good… you’re now paying attention. And I want to see the complete atomic absorption data: tin… lead… zinc… iron… silver… antimony… as well as bismuth and cobalt.

OTTO: No arsenic?

REX: Didn’t I mention arsenic? Of course, that too.

OTTO: You want me to make a Roman fake of these three sections?

REX: I want us to make Roman originals. At least so original that nobody can tell the difference… with identical chemical fingerprints. Hence the atomic absorption.

OTTO: But—

REX: No buts. (Grins conspiratorially). I want you to search our patina data base for plausible values. You and I will assume that these parts here were dug up near a latrine… an old latrine… in fact very old and then covered with earth that had been farmed with fertilizer used in Spain in the 19^th and 20^th century.

OTTO (Realizing what Rex is driving at): You mean harsh enough conditions to explain why the sculpture—

REX (Pleased):… the thin, Roman sculpture… not a thick 16^th century version… ended up in pieces. You know… action of ammonia, phosphates… you name it.

OTTO: I can’t.

REX: What do you mean, “I can’t”?

OTTO: I can’t make a fake.

REX: Who’s asking you to make a fake?

OTTO: A fake that looks like an original… even if undetectable… is still a fake.

REX: Don’t you think that depends on its eventual use?

OTTO: Meaning?

REX: If you tried to peddle what you call the fake as an original for lots of money and succeeded, then it would be a fraud, which, of course, is illegal.

OTTO: I am relieved to hear that.

REX: But suppose you used it to make a point in an academic dispute… and dress it up as a joke without exchange of money?

OTTO: Academic dispute?

REX: Show the other party to be wrong by telling them that it’s been faked. And do it in private… not in public?

OTTO: Well, that’s different I suppose...

REX: And now get going. But don’t forget! I shall add the finishing touches before the bronze casting, but you’ll watch me. I need a witness. In fact, I need more… I need an active accomplice who knows when to keep his mouth shut.

Scene 24. A few months later. Regina’s office and Emma on a city street, with a mobile phone

The phone rings. Regina answers.

REGINA: Dr Leitner-Opferman speaking.

EMMA: It’s Emma.

REGINA: Where are you?

EMMA: I’m in Belgium.

REGINA: What have you found there?

EMMA: Some documents in Namur. Don Juan of Austria died here.

REGINA: What’s in the documents?

Scene 25 FOURTH DON JUAN/BARBARA BLOMBERG INTERMEZZO)

DON JUAN: Madam! I wish you would just tell me what you want. What is it? Forgiveness? Reconciliation with your long lost illegitimate son? I am afraid it’s impossible. The King would not allow it.

BLOMBERG: My son. Permit me to suggest a gift the King cannot refuse.

DON JUAN: There is nothing my brother cannot refuse.

BLOMBERG: That maybe so… but he will not refuse this gift. It will be of no consequence to his Majesty, but if you request it, I shall depart in peace even if I shall never set eyes again on you.

DON JUAN (Now curious): What gift?

BLOMBERG: The sculpture.

DON JUAN (Puzzled): What sculpture?

BLOMBERG: Of Roman origin, it is said… found in Carinthia.

DON JUAN (Still puzzled): But why that?

BLOMBERG: You may never have been born, had I not stood in front of it when the Emperor passed.

DON JUAN: Oh that one!

BLOMBERG: It is now in Regensburg. Request it… to remind you of your mother whenever you gaze on it.

DON JUAN (Bemused): A gift… desired by you… for me… from my brother? Who’d surely refuse it if he knew its purpose? (Beat). An engaging thought… and devious and therefore more engaging.

BLOMBERG: Nobody need know the source of this request.

DON JUAN: Indeed… nobody. Hmm. (Nods to himself). Describe the sculpture.

BLOMBERG (Eagerly): A young Roman man… beautiful (shyly)… like you, Sire.

DON JUAN (Raises hand to restrain her): How tall?

BLOMBERG: Like my son. (Hesitates). But…

DON JUAN: Yes?

BLOMBERG: … he was naked.

DON JUAN (Smiling): As is his Venus.

BLOMBERG (Puzzled): His Venus? I do not understand.

DON JUAN: A gift from Francesco de Medici to my brother… and now standing in the Royal Gardens in Aranjuez. (Slyly). Why not couple my naked man with his naked Venus? (Beat). Indeed, why not? Even my prim brother will concur. After all… a liaison of two bronzes is no offence.

Scene 26 A few weeks later. Regina’s office. GERALDO LOPEZ (OTTO in disguise, wearing moustache) enters.

REGINA: Sorry you were kept waiting. Please, sit down.

He carries a large bag by his side. He removes and unpacks its contents as the conversation progresses.

REGINA (Reading his business card): Ah yes, here we are… Instituto Roberto Hernandez, Aranjuez, Espagna? What precisely does your institute do, Sr. Lopez?

LOPEZ (Throughout with perceptible Spanish accent): Our institute is named after the founder of Iberian dinosaurology-

REGINA: Saurology?

LOPEZ: Dino… saurology. The study of dinosaurs.

REGINA (Condescending smile): My dear Sr. Lopez… I afraid you are in the wrong place. You want the Museum of Natural History, which is across from us. On the other side of the Statue of Empress Maria Theresa.

LOPEZ (Reaches into his bag and removes a small object). This item is bronze.

REGINA: Oh!

LOPEZ: A foot. A human one… not a dinosaur’s.

REGINA: A right foot. (Picks it up). Oh my God!

LOPEZ (Feigning concern): Anything wrong?

REGINA (Recovers): No… nothing. Nothing at all. Where did you find this?

LOPEZ: In Spain.

REGINA: But where in Spain?

LOPEZ: You know my country?

REGINA (Impatient): Yes… yes.

LOPEZ: In a dig… near my city.

REGINA: Aranjuez?

LOPEZ: You know my city? We have wonderful strawberries. Espectacular strawberries.

REGINA (Again picking up the foot, but now stroking it almost affectionately as she examines it, turning it over and over in her hand): How did you find this?

LOPEZ: Dinosaurologists follow one rule: When in doubt, don’t throw it away. (Beat). Since this was bronze, I was tempted, but…

REGINA: Yes?

LOPEZ: It seemed old.