Not to be copied without the author’s permission.

 

 

 

 

 

TABOOS

(When Harriet Met Sally)

 

(A play in 2 acts)

 

By Carl Djerassi

 

 

 

Dedicated to the memory of Diane Middlebrook.

 

Program Note

 

That a scientist, turned late in life into a playwright, should dip into his past professional life for inspiration should hardly be surprising. And since human reproduction—or more precisely, the control over reproduction—has concerned me for decades as a scientist, it was inevitable that I should use this most personal of personal human experiences as grist for this playwright’s mill. My first theatrical venture, An Immaculate Misconception, illustrated in the form of a “science-in-theatre” play some of the ethical dimensions of the use of one of the most exciting assisted reproductive techniques, ICSI (the acronym for intracytoplasmic sperm injection, meaning the direct injection of a single sperm into an egg under the microscope). That this topic continues to strike a responsive chord on the stage is reflected by the fact that the play has by now been translated into 11 languages since its 1998 premiere in Edinburgh.

 

Five plays later, in Taboos, I return to the same topic of sexual conduct in an age of technical reproduction, which can also be described as the impending separation of sex and reproduction—the former as usual for love, lust, or curiosity, but the latter increasingly under the microscope by, diplomatically couched, “alternative” means. But instead of focusing, as I did in my first play, on the technical “yang” of this theme, I now turn in my sixth play to the social “yin” with its much more subtle and complex components. As Chinese cosmology proclaims, only a combination of yin and yang produces all that comes to be, in other words the next generation of persons and of ideas.

 

Terms such as “marriage,” “family,” and “parent” used to have firm denotations. They were the rock on which our cultural values rested. Terms such as “embryo,” “baby,” or “twin” were also considered unambiguous. Assumptions that marriage must be heterosexual and that a child cannot have two parents of the same sex were never even considered assumptions, because they were beyond questioning.

 

All of these terms have become destabilized, their meanings blurred, their ranges extended. Some would blame in vitro fertilization technology during the past three decades for these developments, but in actual fact major social and cultural changes—primarily in the United States and Europe—were even more responsible for the monumental shift that has caused so much fear and antagonism, especially among the ever increasingly strident fundamentalists in the United States. So why not write a play about a situation where “family” and “parent” have assumed disturbingly fuzzy meanings? This is why I have situated Taboos in two of the socially and politically most polarized parts of the United States: the San Francisco Bay Area and the American Deep South.

 

But even though I have spent half my life in or around San Francisco, I do not wish to be considered a proselytizer for one view. Taboos was written in Europe—mostly in London, but early parts also in Ireland and Germany—by an agent provocateur born in Europe who has rediscovered his European roots and with them a more distanced as well as more nuanced view of America. Unquestionably, agent provocateur is the role that suits me best as a late-blooming playwright, because most of the issues interesting me are intrinsically provocative as well as complex. Indeed, by definition, they are unsuited to black and white answers in spite of the public’s and the media’s desires. Few topics are as provocative and complex as the present questioning of the social meaning of parenthood and family, where every horror projection can be countered with a “But what if?” scenario. That is why in Taboos I have mostly taken the yin side of the argument.

 

Carl Djerassi

London, January 2006

Cast

 

SALLY (SYDNEY) PARKER, 33 years old, anchor woman for a San Francisco television station, later the mother of Tucker.

 

CAMERON PARKER, 35 years old, brother of Sally, conservative, church-attending certified public accountant in Mississippi. He speaks with a pronounced Southern accent.

 

PRISCILLA PARKER, Cameron’s wife, early thirties, highly conservative and religious housewife, later the mother of Ashley. She also speaks with a pronounced Southern accent.

 

DR. HARRIET CAROTHERS, 37 years old, urologist in San Francisco, later the mother of Jan.

 

MAX CAROTHERS, 32 years old, brother of Harriet, lawyer in the Public Defender’s Office, San Francisco.

 

Time

 

The present, mostly in San Francisco, occasionally in a small town in Mississippi.

 

Scene 1: SALLY in pant suit walks toward park bench, looks at watch, then sits down near one end, leaving plenty of space next to her. Takes red rose from her bag, removes protective plastic covering, which she folds carefully and puts back into bag. Starts trying different locations for the rose: first in button hole, then in hair, then behind ear, but then decides to fix her hair with both hands and momentarily grasps stem in her mouth. At that moment MAX appears.

 

MAX How can you talk with a rose in your mouth?

 

SALLY (Flustered, quickly takes rose into her hand). I was just fooling around.

 

MAX (Points to bench). Mind if I sit down?

 

SALLY I’m afraid I’m expecting someone.

 

MAX That’s okay. I’ll get up the moment he appears.

 

SALLY I’d rather—

 

MAX (Interrupts her while sitting down) You look familiar.

 

SALLY I probably just have a common face.

 

MAX No, you don’t. Have we met before?

 

SALLY (Firmly) No… definitely not.

 

MAX What makes you so sure?

 

SALLY I would’ve remembered.

 

MAX Maybe… but I have seen you before.

 

SALLY Must have been somebody else. (Holds rose stem between her knees while moving back jacket sleeve to look at her watch).

 

MAX I hope your date is not standing you up.

 

SALLY (Starting to get annoyed) Let me worry about that.

 

            (His cell phone starts ringing. Quickly looks at number, then answers it)

 

MAX Hi. (Pause). The answer is yes. (Pause). Mm hmm… red. (Pause). See you. (Hangs up and then turns to Sally). Sorry about that.

 

SALLY (More nervous and irritated) Do you think you could use one of the other benches?

 

MAX I guess you’re in no mood for company.

 

(Starts to rise at which point HARRIET approaches)

 

(Addressing Harriet). That was quick. (Gives her a peck on her cheek while pointing to place on bench he just vacated). Give me a ring when you get home.

 

HARRIET (While sitting down, still addressing Max). Will do.

 

(Max exits. SALLY is flustered, not knowing whether she is the expected date. HARRIET points at Sally’s rose, which is still clasped between her knees.)

 

Nice rose.

 

(Sally, flustered, slightly separates knees whereupon rose falls to the ground. Harriet quickly picks it up, smells it and then hands it back to Sally)

 

(Disapproving). All appearance, but no real substance. This one is odorless.

 

SALLY (Defensive): I didn’t buy it… it was given to me.

 

HARRIET So why bring it to the park?

 

SALLY (Shrugs shoulders) The color goes with my jacket.

 

            (Harriet studies her, a slight smile on her face, which disconcerts Sally)

 

I hope you don’t mind (points to bench)… I’m expecting someone (again looks at her watch)

 

HARRIET Why, of course. Sorry. (Gets up and leaves)

 

(Sally again fidgets with rose, finally decides to hold it in both hands, folded demurely in her lap. Long pause… whereupon HARRIET suddenly returns, this time a yellow rose in her hand).

 

(Cheerfully) Hi! I’m Harriet.

 

SALLY (Somewhat annoyed) You fooled me!

 

HARRIET I hope you’ll forgive me. (She offers her the yellow rose). Here… smell it… nice scent.

 

SALLY (Smells it quickly and returns it) How come yours smells?

 

HARRIET Because I threw away the one Esther gave me and bought a new one!

 

SALLY (Relieved laughter) I follow the rules and you break them! Promising beginning! By the way… my name is Sally Parker.

 

HARRIET I know.

 

SALLY You mean, Esther told you about me?

 

HARRIET Of course. I don’t go on blind dates… at least not anymore.

 

SALLY She told me nothing about you. Absolutely nothing! Just… “trust me.”

 

HARRIET You’re that trusting?

 

SALLY On the contrary! I’m very much the wary type. But there was something about Esther: motherly… and yet tough and all-knowing.

 

HARRIET True. Otherwise, I’d have thrown her out of my office.

 

SALLY Office? What kind of office? In fact, what do you do?

 

HARRIET What would you like me to be doing? According to Esther, you gave her a list of desiderata.

 

SALLY (Laughs) I didn’t come with a list. She drew one out of me, insisting that all professional matchmakers do that. And “desiderata” was her word… I’ve never used it before.

 

HARRIET Still… what sort of office would you “desire” I had?

 

SALLY A place that isn’t just a job.

 

HARRIET Any preferences?

 

SALLY No. I just want to know what you get out of your work. Does it excite you?

 

HARRIET Yes.

 

SALLY So what do you do?

 

HARRIET Later. What about your job? How does it feel knowing you’re being ogled by thousands of people every morning and evening? Having to look perfect each time?

 

SALLY Presentable! Not perfect.

 

HARRIET Not a hair out of place… impeccable make up? I’d call that more than presentable.

 

SALLY You get accustomed to it… especially when somebody else does it for you.

 

HARRIET So you love it?

 

SALLY Actually, it’s the pits. I get up at 4:00AM five days a week.

 

HARRIET No wonder you went to a matchmaker. Who’d want to live with someone with such weird hours?

 

SALLY I’m quitting.

 

HARRIET (Surprised). Oh? (Suddenly reaches over and tousles Sally’s hair).

 

SALLY (Taken aback, tries quickly with her hands to smooth her hair but Harriet stops her) Now why did you do that?

 

HARRIET I just wanted to see you with bed-head.

 

SALLY And?

 

HARRIET You don’t just look presentable… you look like the real article… especially with your hair disheveled.

 

SALLY Thanks. (Somewhat timidly, tousles Harriet’s hair for a moment). So do you.

 

            Sudden awkward pause while they both play with their roses.

 

HARRIET (Offers her rose to Sally) Here… keep it. A gift.

 

SALLY Thanks. (Looks at her red rose and suddenly tosses it away). I can’t give that to you. As you said: all appearance… no substance. (Beat). By the way, who was that man who greeted you?

 

HARRIET My brother.

 

SALLY You sent him to spy?

 

HARRIET Just to check you out. I wouldn’t have come if he hadn’t given me the okay over the phone.

 

SALLY But what could he’ve found out in a minute or two? Especially since you seem to have watched me on TV.

 

HARRIET TV is always sanitized. No hair out of place… no four letter words. For instance, off camera… do you ever say “fuck?”

 

SALLY (Grinning) Shit yes.

 

HARRIET (Laughs) That’s a relief. (Beat). What about jeans?

 

SALLY (Puzzled) You want to know about my parents?

 

HARRIET Not those genes. Do you wear jeans?

 

SALLY Sure… I wear them.

 

HARRIET Too bad. I hate jeans.

 

SALLY Always?

 

HARRIET Always.

 

SALLY But why? Every one wears jeans.

 

HARRIET Exactly the reason I can’t stand them.

 

SALLY Did you tell that to Esther?

 

HARRIET No… she didn’t ask about my desiderata. It’s you, who’s paying her fee.

 

SALLY I see. (Pause). Okay… I’ll give the jeans to “Good Will.”

 

HARRIET (Nonplussed) You’ll do what?

 

SALLY Get rid of the jeans.

 

HARRIET Because of what I just said?

 

SALLY (Nods) Mm-hmm.

 

HARRIET But that’s not enough of a reason!

 

SALLY You seemed to feel so strongly about jeans.

 

HARRIET But still—

 

SALLY You’d be annoyed every time you saw me in jeans.

 

HARRIET True… but how do you know we’ll even meet again?

 

SALLY Do you think we’ll meet again?

 

HARRIET (Studies her closely, wagging her head) Probably. (Suddenly tousles again Sally’s hair). Yes… definitely yes!

 

SALLY You see.

 

HARRIET See what?

 

SALLY The jeans are my gift to you. (Raises yellow rose she held in her hand). I’d like to see you again. And getting rid of a couple of jeans is no big deal.

 

HARRIET You only have a couple?

 

SALLY Yes.

 

HARRIET That’s not so bad. I thought you’d have a closet full of them.

 

SALLY No compromises! If you don’t like jeans, even one would spoil it. (Grins). No fucking jeans.

 

HARRIET What about pajamas?

 

SALLY What about them?

 

HARRIET You wear them?

 

SALLY You mean in bed?

 

HARRIET Yes.

 

SALLY Never.

 

HARRIET Even when you’re alone?

 

SALLY I said “never.”

 

HARRIET Hmm.

 

SALLY And you?

 

HARRIET Always.

 

SALLY Now it’s my turn for an important question.

 

HARRIET Fair enough.

 

SALLY Are you a pussy lover?

 

HARRIET (Taken aback) Isn’t it a bit premature to ask such a question?

 

SALLY Not for me it isn’t. (Suddenly realizes Harriet’s interpretation). I’m allergic to cats.

 

HARRIET (Laughs) I see. No… no pussies.

 

SALLY That’s a relief. (Beat). Now that we’ve aired our hang-ups, back to your brother. You never told me what he could find out in a couple of minutes about a total stranger. Or did you give him all the dope you got from Esther?

 

HARRIET Nothing. I wanted his first impression.

 

SALLY Because?

 

HARRIET Because he’s good at first impressions. I trust him.

 

SALLY I envy you.

 

HARRIET You’re an only child?

 

SALLY I’ve got one brother… Cameron.

 

HARRIET Unusual name.

 

SALLY Yeah… so was mine: Sydney.

 

HARRIET You changed it? Why?

 

SALLY I was fed up getting letters addressed to Mr. Sydney Parker.

 

HARRIET “Sydney and Cameron.” It would make interesting camouflage for gay couples. Offhand, you wouldn’t know what sex you’re dealing with.

 

SALLY My parents would go ballistic if someone ascribed such a motive to them.

 

At this point, Harriet’s cell phone rings which she picks up. Checks the number and starts listening. Sally, somewhat irritated, turns partly away from Harriet, takes water bottle out of her bag and takes a few sips.

 

HARRIET (Into phone) You’ll be okay. Just drink plenty of water. (Pause). At least a couple of liters. (Pause) No… not all at once. (Pause). In that case, make an appointment. (Hangs up, turns to Sally). Sorry about that.

 

SALLY You always carry a cell phone with you?

 

HARRIET (Notices Sally’s expression). You don’t approve?

 

SALLY I hate them. Like you… with jeans.

 

HARRIET But why? Everybody has a cell phone.

 

SALLY (Laughing). Like jeans. (Beat) But it’s impolite… answering it while you talk to someone else. Besides, I don’t want to be reachable 24 hours a day.

 

HARRIET Not a bad reason. But what about your water bottle? You always carry one with you?

 

SALLY Most of the time.

 

HARRIET: Why?

 

SALLY Keeps me hydrated. It’s supposed to be good for you.

 

HARRIET Says who?

 

SALLY Says…. everybody. Even you… just now on your phone.

 

HARRIET That’s different. I was talking to a sick man. You look in great shape.

 

SALLY What’s wrong with carrying a water bottle and taking sips from it?

 

HARRIET How much did you pay for this bottle of water?

 

SALLY I don’t know. Maybe a dollar fifty.

 

HARRIET If you have to drink… why not tap water?

 

SALLY All those icky chemicals?

 

HARRIET You drink distilled water?

 

SALLY No.

 

HARRIET You see? (Suddenly looks at the cell phone still in her hand) Too bad I can’t throw it away right now and impress you. But I need it… for my patients.

 

SALLY Say… what kind of a doctor are you?

 

HARRIET Urologist.

 

SALLY I thought only shrinks always need to be reachable.

 

HARRIET My patients are mostly men. To them, urologists are even more important than psychiatrists.

 

SALLY Still… may I ask you for a favor?

 

HARRIET Sure…

 

SALLY The next time we meet, could you leave your cell phone at home? So it’s just you and me?

 

HARRIET I can’t leave it at home. But I’ll turn it off… for you.

 

            BRIEF BLACKOUT.

 

Scene 2. A few weeks later in Harriet’s apartment.

 

MAX Well? How’s it going?

 

HARRIET Promising. (Long pause)

 

MAX Is that all you’ve got to say to your nosy brother?

 

HARRIET Sally would like to start a family.

 

MAX Wow! (Beat) And what was your response?

 

HARRIET Why not? (Pause)

 

MAX And that’s all? My opinionated sister, who never lets her brother say anything unchallenged, suddenly rolls over.

 

            They both laugh.

 

HARRIET I didn’t “roll over” but I understood what Sally meant. Her family broke off with her… totally… once she announced that she was gay… so she wants a new family… with all the accoutrements.

 

MAX You mean kids?

 

HARRIET Well… one at the outset.

 

MAX Is that why you’re suddenly talking French? Accoutrements! (Beat) And then you told her mais oui? You’re talking about one of the truly monumental decisions in life—

 

HARRIET I’m just mulling it over…

 

MAX How blasé can you get?

 

HARRIET (Attempting banter) So now you’re also switching to French?

 

MAX What else does a mais oui deserve but a blasé?

 

HARRIET Sally and I are hardly blasé about whether we could establish a family. That’s why the two of us decided to take off for a week.

 

MAX To do what?

 

HARRIET Go backpacking. No phones, no people… just the two of us… plus some serious aerobic stuff.

 

MAX I see. Anything else you’ve got to tell your nosy brother?

 

HARRIET I did something I shouldn’t have done. I wonder whether I should tell her.

 

MAX You can always try it out on me first.

 

HARRIET When I went to her place, I looked through her medicine cabinet.

 

MAX Why would you do that?

 

HARRIET Because you learn a lot about people from what they keep there. What medication they’re on… what kind of cosmetics they use… other stuff. How messy they are in a place where they don’t expect to be checked.

 

MAX And you found something that bothered you?

 

HARRIET Bother is too strong a word. It was her toothpaste.

 

MAX You mean how she squeezed it?

 

HARRIET (Laughs). Not that serious. It was labeled “organic.” But when I looked at the label, I found it was just fancy bicarbonate of soda… mint flavored.

 

MAX I don’t get it.

 

HARRIET I didn’t either.

 

MAX I mean… I don’t get why that should bother you.

 

HARRIET It said “free of chemicals.” But what is bicarbonate…if not a chemical? Or the mint flavor? Is it made from mint not exposed to pesticides? It sounds kooky. The price was still on the tube… $5.99. Can you imagine, buying “organic” sodium bicarbonate for $5.99?

 

MAX Why get upset about that?

 

HARRIET It sounds It’s irresponsible… wasting so much money on bicarbonate. Do you think I should ask her about it?

 

MAX If I were you I’d keep my mouth shut. She might start having second thoughts. Or if you have to, wait till she brushes her teeth by a brook while backpacking. Then she won’t know you were snooping.

 

HARRIET If the trip works out, we’ll share a medicine cabinet and I’ll be buying the tooth paste. (Beat) End of snooping…

 

MAX Not quite. Have you ever done this in my place?

 

HARRIET You know I hardly ever visit you in your apartment.

 

MAX True… but you have been there. So did you look?

 

HARRIET (Somewhat embarrassed) I did… once.

 

MAX And what were you looking for?

 

HARRIET Contraceptives.

 

MAX Condoms? To see whether I followed your advice about buying ribbed ones?

 

HARRIET Female contraceptives… or even some Tampax.

 

MAX Sister! You better sit down and ‘fess up.

 

HARRIET (Attempts banter) Come on… it’s not a big deal.

 

MAX Organic tooth paste in your prospective lover’s medicine cabinet is a big deal, but looking for the Pill in your brother’s is not? Listen… we hardly ever have any secrets—

 

HARRIET (Interrupts) The operative word is “hardly.”

 

MAX Meaning?

 

HARRIET What about your girl friends? I’ve met some of them, but when we’re alone, you never talk about them.

 

MAX That has nothing to do with secrets… it’s all about discretion. Maybe it’s the lawyer in me.

 

HARRIET Anyway, I wanted to know whether one of them was actually living with you.

 

MAX So why didn’t you ask?

 

HARRIET (Laughing) Discretion. Maybe it’s the physician in me.

 

MAX (Studies her for some seconds) You’re about to go backpacking for a week with your red rosed Sally. Not a bad way to get to know a potential partner.

 

HARRIET Agreed.

 

MAX But you seem to have already made up your mind… other than the tooth paste question. You’re even willing to consider having a child with her. But shouldn’t you first want to find out what it’s like to live together?

 

HARRIET I just got a gut feeling that she is it! (Beat). You look dubious.

 

MAX Not dubious… jealous. (Beat). I’ve never had that gut feeling. Or am I just a born bachelor… a rare species these days?

 

HARRIET Nonsense, You’re wonderful company… you’re gregarious… you have a tough sense of humor—

 

MAX (Interrupts) Sure… sure. So why haven’t I yet met the woman I wanna settle down with? Actually, what I’ve been doing lately is looking into the mirror to find out what I really want in a long-term relationship.

 

HARRIET And what did you find?

 

MAX Here I am, Max Carothers, with great parents and a super-sister, who doesn’t know whether he’d make a good father!

 

HARRIET A man of 32 is still a kid. You’ve got years to figure this out. Think of us poor women! Think how long it took your 37-year old sister to acquire that gut feeling.

 

MAX As a physician, you should know that there are more important organs than just the gut for a long-lasting relationship.

 

HARRIET (Grinning) At least I don’t have to include the testis.

 

MAX In that case, how do you intend to become pregnant? (Beat) And which one of you plans to be the mother?

 

HARRIET Sally.

 

MAX And the father?

 

HARRIET The father? That, of course, is a much more complicated question. With us lesbians, the word father always has quotation marks around it. (Beat). I want to ask you something… but don’t get angry. Promise?

 

MAX With you, I’m willing to promise anything.

 

HARRIET Anything?

 

MAX Well… within limits.

 

HARRIET Typical lawyer’s response. All I want you to do is to consider testing the waters of fatherhood instead worrying about how and when to jump in.

 

MAX How does one dip one toe into the sea of fatherhood? Doesn’t that usually mean jumping in or staying dry?

 

HARRIET Would you be willing to become Sally’s sperm donor? You’ve got great genes… and I even share some of them with you.

 

MAX Je ne sais pas. Or as we would say in the vernacular, “let me think about it.”

 

HARRIET I’ll put it on the agenda for the back packing: Max as sperm donor and uncle, but not a father. Deal?

 

MAX I’ll think about it.

 

END OF SCENE 2

 

Scene 3. The dining room of Sally and Harriet’s apartment in San Francisco a few months later. A rectangular dining room table (preferably expandable to suit requirements of Scenes 8 and 12) is in the center of the room. It has been set formally and festively, including champagne (still empty) and wine (partly-filled) glasses. The centerpiece, a silver tray with a large elongated object wrapped in gold foil, remains undisturbed. Except for a fourth, untouched setting, it is clear that the meal is nearly over. Harriet, festively dressed, is seated at the table with a glass of wine in one hand and her cell phone in the other.

 

HARRIET (Into cell phone) You have to pee all the time? That was the idea. (Pause) All right… reduce it to one liter. (Pause. Then, as Sally, smartly dressed, enters from the bedroom:) I’ve got to hang up. (She hangs up and turns to Sally.) Sorry about that.

 

SALLY You promised.

 

HARRIET I know, I know. Look, I’m switching it off! Look.

 

(She switches the phone off. They embrace and kiss. )

 

HARRIET Sexy baby… (Beat) You ready?

 

SALLY I guess so.

 

HARRIET Sure you still want to go through with it?

 

SALLY Of course. Why wouldn’t I? It’s…

 

HARRIET Exciting.

 

SALLY It’s more than that.

 

HARRIET Have a drink.

 

SALLY No.

 

HARRIET You can have one drink.

 

SALLY I don’t need a drink, I just…

 

HARRIET It’s Cameron, isn’t it?

 

(Sally nods. Harriet strokes her hair.)

 

HARRIET You want to wait a bit longer?

 

SALLY Oh what’s the use? He obviously thinks I’m a lost cause.

 

HARRIET Maybe his plane got delayed.

 

SALLY Then why didn’t he call? I just thought we’d finally be able to…

 

HARRIET I’m sorry, baby. We’re now your family. Me and Max. And you can include my parents.

 

(Sally manages a sad smile.)

 

HARRIET God, you look great!

 

(Sally cheers up. They kiss. Max enters and interrupts the kiss. He’s well dressed in slacks and pressed shirt but no tie.)

 

MAX The pastry chef wishes to know if you are ready for the dessert.

 

(Harriet and Sally break off the kiss.)

 

Pecan pie. It’s my only Southern specialty.

 

HARRIET How about waiting a couple more minutes?

 

MAX (With a tiny note of impatience) Well, why not?

 

(He grabs a glass of wine and flops into a seat.)

 

SALLY Damn him!

 

MAX (As if raising a toast) Damn him! Damn Cameron!

 

(A pause. Harriet and Max drink.)

 

SALLY You know, this year he sent me a birthday card. My first birthday card in three years! I took it as a sign.

 

HARRIET Not everyone finds it easy to forgive and forget.

 

SALLY There’s nothing to forgive. Besides, he doesn’t even know why I wanted him here.

 

MAX Okay, look. He dropped you. I’m sorry. Why don’t we just pop the cork, toast each other, and then get started?

 

SALLY You two go ahead. No alcohol for me.

 

MAX Oh, come on!

 

HARRIET Max. Just go get the champagne. Let’s get on to the main event.

 

(Max exits. Harriet puts music on the stereo and offers Sally a dance. Sally accepts and they dance like a courting couple. At the very least they dance to the first two or three stanzas of Cole Porter’s Let’s Do It, Let’s Fall in Love):

 

Birds do it, bees do it;

Even educated fleas do it —

Let's do it, let's fall in love.

 

In Spain the best upper sets do it,

Lithuanians and Letts do it —

Let's do it, let's fall in love.

The Dutch in old Amsterdam do it,

Not to mention the Finns;

Folks in Siam do it — think of Siamese twins.

(As Max returns from the kitchen with a champagne bottle, there is a little rap at the door barely heard above the music. Max, still holding the bottle, answers the door. Cameron stands in the doorway. He is dressed in a conservative suit and tie. His first sight is of his sister and Harriet locked in an embrace. Sally sees him, instinctively pulls away from Harriet. Harriet sees him. At once she goes over to the stereo and stops the music.)

 

(An awkward pause.)

 

MAX Ahem!

CAMERON The doorman let me in. I wanted it to be a surprise.

 (As Sally rushes at Cameron and hugs him.)

 

SALLY Come in, come in!

 

CAMERON I’m sorry I’m so tardy. My plane was late.

 

SALLY It’s okay, never mind.

 

(Cameron steps into the room, Sally leading him by the hand. Harriet and Max hang back.)

 

HARRIET You want to be alone?

 

SALLY No, no. Cameron… this is Harriet.

 

CAMERON (Flustered) Pleased to meet you, Ma’am.

 

HARRIET I’m glad you made it. I’ve always wanted to meet some member of Sally’s family.

 

(Harriet and Cameron shake hands, with evident coolness.)

 

HARRIET Too bad you missed the first two courses. We’d finally given up on you.

 

MAX So you’re the mysterious brother.

 

SALLY This is Max.

 

CAMERON Pleased to meet you, Sir.

 

HARRIET Pop the cork, Sir Max.

 

(Max takes the champagne to the table.)

 

SALLY Not me. Later… maybe.

 

HARRIET (She offers a full glass to Cameron.) You must join us in a toast to Sally and to this special occasion.

 

CAMERON (Embarrassed) Much obliged, Ma’am, but—

 

HARRIET You can call me Harriet.

 

CAMERON (Even more embarrassed) I can’t…

 

HARRIET Of course you can.

 

CAMERON (Points to glass) I mean… I don’t indulge.

 

(Max and Harriet exchange surprised glances.)

 

SALLY Cam doesn’t drink.

 

MAX Well, can I get you something else? Orange juice? Sparkling water? Ginger ale?

 

CAMERON Any Coke?

 

MAX I didn’t get Coke. (Grins at Sally) Too much phosphoric acid. You know Sally, obsessed with everything organic…

 

HARRIET (Joins in) Hates mobile phones…

 

MAX Never has a hair out of place…

 

SALLY (Laughingly) Enough compliments! (Beat). Cam and I will both have ginger ale. Color co-ordination!

 

(Max hurries into the kitchen.)

 

SALLY (She hugs Cameron again.) I’m so pleased you came!

 

CAMERON Me too. It’s been a long time. But Jeez… You talk so different … I mean, I’ve seen one of your broadcasts on the Internet. Folks back home would never guess you’re one of us. (Beat) But what’s the special occasion?

 

HARRIET Sally and I are…

 

SALLY (Interrupting) First things first. You must be hungry.

 

CAMERON That’s okay. I’ll join you for dessert.

 

(Harriet suppresses a giggle. Sally glares at her.)

 

SALLY Well, sit down.

 

(Cameron takes a seat.)

 

CAMERON (Addressing Harriet) So Ma’am, what do you do? (Beat) I mean, Harriet.

 

HARRIET I’m a urologist…

 

(Max enters with two ginger ales.)

 

HARRIET …and you’d be surprised how many of my patients call me ‘Ma’am.’

 

MAX Especially men with their pants ‘round their ankles.

 

SALLY Max, cut it out!

 

HARRIET (With glass raised to Cameron) Well. May this be the first of many visits! (To Sally and Max) Success at the first try!

 

SALLY (With glass raised to Cameron) I’m awfully glad you’re here. (Then raising glass to Harriet and Max) Success!

 

MAX Success!

 

(All three turn to Cameron, waiting for his toast, but he’s tongue-tied.)

 

CAMERON Jeez… I don’t know what to say.

 

MAX Anything that comes to your mind.

 

CAMERON I have no idea what y’all are celebrating… but…

 

(He raises his glass to no one in particular.)

 

… whatever it is, may the good Lord bless it… and you.

 

SALLY (She leans over and gives Cam a kiss on his cheek.) Nice toast, Cam. Cheers!

 

(They all join in as they clink glasses all around, being careful that every glass is being touched, and sip briefly from their glasses, the conversation ceasing somewhat awkwardly.)

 

SALLY I don’t think I can stand waiting much longer.

 

HARRIET Well then, let’s proceed. (She reaches into her pocket to produce what appears to be a gold coin and tosses it to Max.) Catch!

 

(Max, unprepared for the toss, fails to catch the object, which falls on the table or floor near Cameron, who picks it up.)

 

CAMERON (Surprised at its lightness) Chocolate? (He hands it to Max.)

 

MAX Hardly. (He starts to move toward the bedroom door, a little nervously.)

 

SALLY Oh, and here’s this DVD. Remember…?

 

MAX Aye, aye, captain. (He takes the DVD and exits.)

 

HARRIET (Barely able to suppress her amusement) Sally, think of something suitable to say while we wait.

 

CAMERON Wait for what?

 

HARRIET Please put the poor man out of his misery.

 

SALLY Why don’t you go check about the dessert?

 

HARRIET Yes, darling.

 

(Harriet, with a droll smile, goes into the kitchen. Cameron watches her go. There is a momentary pause.)

 

CAMERON Was that a condom?

 

SALLY Of a sort.

 

CAMERON What does that mean?

 

SALLY Never mind. (Beat) You don’t like Harriet, do you?

 

(Cameron shrugs.)

 

SALLY You disapprove of us.

 

CAMERON You know I do.

 

SALLY Why?

 

CAMERON You know why. It’s unnatural.

 

SALLY You sound exactly like Mom and Dad. With them, any word starting with “homo” is an abomination. With the possible exception of “homo sapiens” and that only if you make it plain it has nothing to do with evolution.

 

CAMERON They only did what their conscience made them do.

 

SALLY Like not inviting me to their son’s wedding?

 

CAMERON You know that wasn’t my fault. Mom said she wouldn’t come if you…

 

SALLY And of course we never disobey our parents, do we?

 

CAMERON Come on, Sid, I’m trying.

 

SALLY Don’t call me Sid. Those days are gone.

 

CAMERON Okay… Sally. (Beat) Hey, you remember the time we went to the costume party at the McNulty’s house?

 

SALLY It was a blast!

 

CAMERON And you went dressed as Fidel Castro…

 

SALLY False beard and exploding cigar.

 

CAMERON It was funny… but also weird.

 

SALLY I was grounded for a week for that stunt.

 

CAMERON You were always interested in stuff like that. Being different.

 

SALLY Different? Maybe back home. But this is San Francisco, Cam, not Mississippi! (Beat) Gays have rights here.

 

CAMERON Maybe here.

 

SALLY Here? Listen… gay partnerships or marriages are becoming legal in lots of places… not just California or Massachusetts. Belgium, the Netherlands, Canada, South Africa… even England. (Beat) Or take Catholic Spain where they’ve legalized adoption by gay couples.

 

CAMERON I bet the Pope doesn’t approve.

 

SALLY Oh, Cam! Just exactly what’s wrong with two loving women adopting a child… or even better, giving birth to one?

 

CAMERON Hold on a minute. (Beat) Is that what you’re aiming to do?

 

( Sally remains silent.)

 

Sally! Is it?

 

(At this moment Harriet comes out of the kitchen.)